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what’s the plural of y’all? July 28, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in life.
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another occasion to mark…today, i have been a resident of this state for 20 years. i remember it well…on july 28, 1984, at the tender age of 9, i stepped off the airplane holding my mom’s hand, excited beyond all belief…

then i made the mistake of trying to breathe.

i should have seen the heat shimmering up from the pavement in waves and realized that attempting to breathe that mess would be the equivalent of swallowing fire – but i was 9, cut me some slack.

but there’s no denying it – i love it, and there’s no place else i’d rather be. i’ve been to many wonderful places and i hope to go to many more in my lifetime, but i’ll always come home to this place.

and the answer to the title of this post? “all y’all” 🙂

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*shaking head in embarassment* July 27, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in health.
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ok, i haven’t posted drunk since i was a bona fide IRC addict in college. i feel just a teeny bit ridiculous.

damn, that was some good wine, though. rarely do i engage in shameless product promotion in my blog, but really – everyone should try llano estacado wines.

so, i went to the doctor today for my annual checkup, and it took TWO HOURS. all i wanted was to get up in the stirrups and have her check out my junk so i could get my birth control pills and get out of there. but i made the mistake of answering truthfully when she asked me how often i was using my asthma inhaler and i told her i was going though about one inhaler a month. that led to suspicion of a lung infection and a couple of chest x-rays, as well as prescriptions for nasal spray, a second kind of inhaler, and a nebulizer machine. then for some reason it occurred to her to ask when i last had a tetanus shot, and again i answered truthfully – at age 14. whoops! so a tetanus booster and 5 tubes of blood later, i finally escaped. for my revenge, i took a couple of magazines from the waiting room – this doctor actually keeps hers up to date. 🙂

happt birthdy ato me July 26, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in birthdays.
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I am pisssed

not in the American sense as in pissed off anbgry, but the europeon sense as “pissed driunk, you wanksers. I was nice to myselfg toidayt I went shoippinbg and bought wibne and then I came home and watched 24 hour party people and tarainspottinbg and sliding doors soi everyone is a booody tart or a focking wanker and they can sod off the lot of them.

oohy mny head.

Promisee to be all better tomorrow. ://

road trip July 19, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in Episcopal, faith, friends, lyrics, marriage, music, reading, road trips.
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what a weekend.

we made sure everything was packed on thursday evening as soon as we got home from work, and then went straight to bed at 8 pm, planning to get up at 3 am and hit the road. instead, we lay in bed, staring at the ceiling fan, completely unable to fall asleep, for the simple reason that we were trying to. so, we talked for a little bit, and i got up and watched some tv, and finally at 2 am i hopped in the shower and got ready to go. we got the baby up, set him in his carseat, and took off. i drove, since i was more awake.

we crossed the state line about an hour after we set out, and the sky was just starting to lose some of its inky quality and take on more of a midnight blue. we stopped for gasoline and coffee at the superette convenience tore in some small town. i was waited on by a girl who couldn’t have been more than 17 years old. she was mopping the floor when i walked into the store, and the loudspeaker was blaring eminem. it was weird – she turned around to face me when she heard the bell jangle over the door, and she had a vaguely challenging look on her face – it was a very hard look, though like i said, she couldn’t have been more than 17. i smiled at her, and oddly enough, she blushed and ran to turn down the music – like i was her mom and had just caught her doing something she shouldn’t have been. i told her the music was fine, paid for the coffee and snacks, thanked her, and left. husband took over the driving so i could feed the youngster.

we merged onto the interstate not too long after that. the sky was gray by now – the only vehicles on the road were truckers and farmers. we came over a hill and suddenly the amazing lake was all around us. beautiful! but truly, i was holding out for the mountains. since the baby now had a full tummy, i resumed my place behind the wheel and took us into the next state. we moved from the interstate onto the north loop that would take us up into the mountains and to our eventual destination.

what took us there was the very nice, very low-key wedding of our friends ally and bobby. we knew they had a lot to get done, so we arranged to arrive early friday morning so we could help them get their house ready for their bachelor party that night. to that end, we spend the morning and afternoon moving their things from the garage into a storage unit, then we had lunch, and then we rested before going out to dinner with the happy couple, their baby, and some other friends. by this time, other people were starting to arrive in town and show up at the house, so everyone met there and a nice, laid back little party got started, complete with video games, conversation, and a few bottles of wine.

the next day we had planned to go out on our own and see some of the town, maybe go to devil’s den state park or do some sightseeing and souvenir buying until the wedding that evening, but those plans went by the wayside when bobby called us around noon asking when we were coming over to the house. turned out they needed more help getting ready for that evening. husband and bobby ended up taking more stuff to storage, while i made the wedding cake (red velvet with cream cheese frosting, yum) and cleaned up the living room. finally, we made it back to our hotel room with barely enough time to get ready for the ceremony and drive to the park where it was being held. the weather was perfect for an outdoor wedding – sun shining, but not too hot – and it was truly a joy to see this couple who have encountered their share of obstacles (some self-imposed, others not) join together as husband and wife, and to know that they will face all their triumphs and tribulations together.

unfortunately, we didn’t get to enjoy the reception because my dearly beloved got sick! so, we went back to the hotel, ordered pizza, watched “13 going on 30” on the pay-per-view, and got some desperately needed sleep. in the morning, we went to services at the local episcopal church. it was much smaller than our own parish and it was a rite 1 service, which we weren’t used to, but they had pretty stained glass and the priest stopped in the middle of the altar procession to bless the baby as he passed us. pretty neat. 🙂

i don’t blog about my faith that often (but i’m about to now, so stop reading if it’s not your cup of tea!), because i believe that in this day and age when evangelical christians and “mega-churches”are getting most of the media attention, the body of Christ still has a need for people who live their faith quietly. but that simple action on the part of the priest reminded me of everything i love about being episcopalian. i love that my church seeks and serves christ in all people. the following is taken from “the ethos of the episcopal church”.

“…as Episcopalians we are known for our tolerance and our willingness to embrace paradox. Episcopalians trust that the truth of God embraces and transcends all of the partial truths that our limited human minds can grasp. We accept that there is divine mystery at the heart of life, but we believe that mystery can best be known through love, particularly the love revealed in Jesus Christ. Ours is not a gospel of fear and guilt, of moralism or threats of hell. We see Jesus as the incarnation of God who loves and delights in humanity. God becomes one with us. We celebrate a God who has created every human being in God’s own image. We seek to call forth the fullness of that divine image in every person through the disciplines of Christian life. God wants us to become the loving, trusting, giving people God has created us to be. Repentance, conversion, and growth are daily events. It is a life-long process to become holy, to become fully human. We believe that the process of growing into our full humanity is best done in community. Together we pray, worship, study the scriptures, and explore the richness of twenty-one centuries of Christian experience.

Theologian Thomas Hooker described Anglican authority as a three-strand cord, not easily broken: Scripture, Tradition, and Reason.

The Episcopal Church honors the Bible as the first witness to God, containing “All things necessary to salvation.” It is the love story of God’s relationship with God’s people. We respect its complexity and its origins in the communities and histories of our ancestors. We look to the Bible as the written source of our revelation of God.

We also honor the experience of God throughout the history of humanity, and especially among faithful Christians for these two-thousand years. We look to the tradition, teaching, and experience of the whole church as a manifestation of God’s revelation. The ancient Creeds are alive and well in the Episcopal Church.

We believe God created human beings with an innate capacity to know God. We honor the God-given faculties of reason, intuition, intellect, and emotion. We believe that human experience is one of the ways God communicates and reveals God’s intentions for us.

Our worship is centered in the celebration of the last gift Christ gave us, the gift of his presence and life through the shared communion of bread and wine. This powerful ritual renews and strengthens us. We believe that in this shared holy meal, we are fed by Christ and united in his life.”

anyways, to wrap up the story of my weekend, after church we had a delicious lunch with the bride and groom in which i worked valiantly at avoiding any political or religious discussion – they are both activists in both areas! – all the while reminding myself that you can love and care for people who have different viewpoints from your own. God’s creation is big enough for all of us! we finally got on the road back to our home state, taking the scenic route down through the mountains. when we stopped for gasoline again, i was scanning the radio stations and managed to find some pretty irish folk songs. when my dearly beloved came back to the car from paying, he shook his head in disgust and commented that i was the only person on planet earth who could find irish folk songs on the radio in the mountains. he’s probably right. heheheheheh.

to kill some of the boredom of scanning more radio stations, i picked up reading aloud where we had left off with anne rice’s “the witching hour” over a year ago. finally finished that one and got started on the next book in the series, “lasher”. we arrived home exhausted with only enough energy to climb out of the car and grab what we would need to get ready for work in the morning.

my little girl

drive anywhere

do what you want

i don’t care

tonight

i’m in the hands of fate

i hand myself

over on a plate

now

oh little girl

there are times when i feel

i’d rather not be

the one behind the wheel

come

pull my strings

watch me move

i do anything

please

sweet little girl

i prefer

you behind the wheel

and me the passenger

drive

i’m yours to keep

do what you want

i’m going cheap

tonight

you’re behind the wheel tonight

what do you think it means… July 19, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in work.
4 comments

…that my throat closes up and i have a hard time swallowing whenever i walk into work these days?

maybe i’ve forgotten the name and the address of everyone i’ve ever known… July 15, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in depression, lyrics.
2 comments

on and off throughout my 28 years, i have gone through periods where i have been psychotically, suicidally depressed. during these times, all i wanted was to die. i was convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that i would never find peace otherwise, and preferrably i was going to take whoever was helping make my life miserable out with me.

depression is a strange companion…of course you don’t enjoy the way you are feeling, but it is the only feeling you know, and thus you don’t want to give it up, because you know what they say about “the devil you know”…

because depression is such a mind-fuck, it is a struggle of the worst kind to accept it as a medical condition and not as a personal failing, a product of weakness. after all, medical conditions are not your fault – they are random acts of a universe that doesn’t always make sense, but they can usually be treated with a pill or a procedure. but depression…ah, if you’d just been a little stronger, or not so damn sensitive, or if you were a little more competent, you wouldn’t feel this way.

thanks to the love of my friends and family, medication, and learning some techniques to cope with anger, these days i succeed more often than not in kicking the “black dog” (as winston churchill used to call his depression) to the curb. but there are times – like this past week – when i can feel it lurking just behind me, just out of sight. i spin around to yell at it, hopefully to startle it into tucking tail and running – but it’s already gone.

i would like a place i could call my own

have a conversation on the telephone

wake up every day that would be a start

i would not complain with my wounded heart

i was upset you see,

almost all the time.

you used to be a stranger.

now you are mine…

just wait till tomorrow

i guess that’s what they all say,

just before they fall apart.

-New Order

you’ve heard things compared… July 12, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging.
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…to “watching a train wreck”, right? the idea being that you know you shouldn’t look, people are suffering, etc., etc. – but you just can’t help it?

does the same rule apply to blogs? if people put their pain on the internet for all to see, should i feel guilty for reading it? and what is it about the human condition that makes us interested in other people’s suffering anyway?

on my “blogs i read” list is the mommy blog. from her blog list, i clicked to a little pregnant. this one is a gut-wrenching chronicle of her battle with infertility, and it kills me to read it. i can’t relate – not even a little bit – to the depth of her pain. but i can’t stop reading. thus, the proverbial train wreck.

oh, i am awful – simply awful. i feel like the worst kind of voyeur.

gawthik July 11, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in music.
3 comments

oh, i am so IRRESPONSIBLE.

you know it. i know it. what passes for good music on the radio these days is utter crap. however, i just spent the loveliest three hours in recent memory listening to an all cure version of the adventure club. three hours of pure nostalgia, in which i think it’s fair to say i experienced every high and low in the human emotional spectrum. so now, in spite of the fact that…

a) it is now 10:20 pm and i must be up at 6 am to go to work, and

b) i will be 29 years old next week, and

c) i am a mommy and am therefore well past my club-going days,

…i am alternately typing and applying scads of black eyeliner and silver glitter for my first outing to the church since halloween two years ago.

if i could get my hands around the neck of that skinny little punk dj josh, i’d give him a piece of my mind! damn you, josh! what’d you have to go and play “letter to elise” for?? that song is guaran-fucking-teed to make me want to sit in a dark corner and weep. if i oversleep for work tomorrow…*shaking fist*

the t-shirt is my favorite clothing item… July 10, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in funny, life.
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…and i have 3 trillion of them. so here you have it, my top 10 (in no particular order)!

1) joy division – ancient, black, all stretched out, multiple cigarette burns. logo: love will tear us apart

2) heretic in good company – new, black, decal of famous philosophers and theologians being burned at the stake still shiny.

3) episcopal church of the transfiguration – fairly worn in, navy blue, and guaranteed to make my mom roll her eyes. logo: top 10 reasons to be episcopalian. i won’t bore you by listing them here. 🙂

4) cool river tubing – helen, georgia. light blue. logo: tube naked – it adds color to your cheeks.

5) bauhaus – old, black, smells of beer and cigarettes no matter how many times i wash it. sentimental value – i wore it on the first date with my other half.

6) the cure – white, v-neck, ripped left sleeve, gorgeous red rose. logo: the dream tour.

7) stop corruption in family court! – ancient, white, another sentimental shirt. this one was given to me my an ex-boyfriend. his mom was a family court activist in houston, texas all throughout the 80’s and 90’s. in 1997 she was doing a protest walk from houston to washington, d.c., and she was murdered by a hit and run driver just outside of austin who told police he had been paid to run her down.

8) destin fishing rodeo – grey, long sleeve. got it on our honeymoon in destin, florida.

9) depeche mode – old, black. logo: exciter. from my summer of dm in 2001, when i took off work for two weeks unpaid to go to the shows in dallas, san antonio, houston, new orleans, and atlanta. ahhhhh…

10) “mom, dad – i’m gaelic”. green with white letters.

Juliet Which woman of Shakespeare are you? broug… July 10, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in blogthings.
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Juliet

Which woman of Shakespeare are you?
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