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Posted by introspectreangel in moving.
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student loans: approximately $12,000
old credit card bills that we stopped paying on to save for our wedding three years ago: approximately $20,000
old unpaid utility bills: $1300
unpaid traffic tickets: $800
unpaid medical bills: $2500
number of jobs worked between the two of us in the four years we’ve been together: 8
number of times we’ve moved: 4

having amazing parents in-law who will take you, your husband, and your baby in when you have HAD IT and think you’re going to lose your mind for not being able to keep up with the big city rat race for one second longer: priceless.

thus, we bring you the Getting Our Shit Together World Tour, Day 1 – live from the in-laws’ residence in a brand new state where I did NOT grow up and am thus terrified of.  first item on the agenda: unpacking and laundry. baby steps first, angel, baby steps first. (*deep breath*)

i have begun and deleted this entry so many times … May 14, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in addiction, blogging, lyrics, marriage, pets, work.
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…and i still have no idea what to write. i’ve tried song lyrics and poetry and slogans and sayings and memes and quizzes and now all i’m left with is…nothing. i’ve struggled with how to use this medium of blogging – should i blog about my political leanings, or my religious and spiritual experiences? should i tell everyone about my family, my issues with depression and mental illness and anger, my goals, or what i’m reading? should i just write my weekly shopping list? should i write for an audience, and therefore protect the privacy of my family members? should i say “fock off” to all of you and the idea that i am nice and let all the ugliness spill out onto the page?


1) this week, i took our dog, fozzie, to the city animal shelter. truth be known, i never was that fond of him – i didn’t grow up with pets, so i had no idea how much work they were. i got him as an impulse gift for my husband when a coworker’s dog had a litter and she needed to get rid of the puppies. foz really didn’t have a great “quality of life” as my friend the veterinary assistant said. he spent all his time in the yard or in the kennel. we fed him, but we were terrible about regular baths and keeping up with his vaccinations and heartworm pills. he only got walked or played with when i felt guilty about neglecting him. he contributed to my allergy problems (but was by no means the sole cause), which was the only excuse i needed to tell husband he had to go. i paid the $12 release fee to the shelter, signed the paperwork that said he was now city property and they didn’t have to tell me before euthanizing him or getting him adopted, and that was that. i got the carpets cleaned the next day, and you would never be able to tell that we had a dog at all.

but i cried when i said goodbye to him, because he looked so puzzled. i made sure the shelter staff knew that he was up to date on shots and heartworm and gave them all his vet records and all his toys. i answered their questionnaire that he was loving and great with kids and obeyed simple commands, so he would have the best chance of being adopted. i feel very conflicted. i didn’t like having him in the house, and i wished we would have treated him better, and i was sad to see him go. i’m a terrible person. i can’t even love a dog right, and dogs expect NOTHING of us.

2) i also started my new job this week with a company hereafter to be referred to as a “red-hot leading retailer”. i’m the team lead in electronics for a new store opening in july. i have absolutely zero experience in the retail industry, so i’m a bit nervous. so far, i’ve done orientation, an interviewing skills workshop, and the mass hire for our new store. i’ll finish up with that tomorrow before beginning actual skill training next week. i feel good about the opportunity, but i think i may have made a political boo boo. when the training schedule was emailed to me a week before i began, it had a different department listed than the job i had been offered. i went through four rounds of interviews for the position, so i wanted to make sure everything was straight. i was under the impression that the last person who interviewed me was going to be my executive team lead, i.e. boss, and her name was not down on the training schedule as the person i’d be reporting to. so i emailed back to HR to ask if this was correct. i also called and left a message on the HR team lead’s cell phone to ask if it was correct. i never heard back by phone or email. so i showed up for orientation on day 1, and when they handed us the store org chart, i saw that my 4th round interviewer, who i had thought was going to be my department head was in fact the store team lead, i.e. grand poobah or general manager. and i had asked in my email if there as some mistake, because i thought i was supposed to be working with her. arrrrgggghhhh. i could have killed myself. and this could be my own insecurity, but the last few days whenever i make eye contact with the HR team lead or with the store team lead in question, i have the feeling my email was laughed over and that i was called stupid behind my back.

3) i have been going to 12 step meetings of a group called Emotions Anonymous because i have a problem with rage. now if you ask me, i will tell you that my episodes of raging are an inappropriate expression of my anger towards my husband for his own addiction issues. i have raged over this, and i have kicked and slapped and screamed and punched and thrown plates and broken things over this. he continues to act out, and he does it in such a manner as to guarantee that he will be caught, because obviously he wants to be caught. i have felt justified and righteous in my anger. i have hated him. i have also brought all this on myself. i have enabled his behavior by telling him that i love him and i view marriage as sacred and and that i will never leave him and that he doesn’t have to worry about anything because i will take care of him and handle all the stress and he has nothing to worry about. i have told myself that if this marriage fails, then i fail, and i can’t have that. i am trying, through EA, to put his behavior on the back burner for at least 100 days while i focus on myself and why i am given to raging behavior. i am trying to realize that if the marriage fails due to his lack of respect for his vows, that it does not mean that i failed as a wife. i am trying to figure out how i am not respecting my vows through the raging – i figure it’s probably covered in the “love, honor, and cherish” section, right?

i’ve been blogging for two hours and i’m now exhausted. good night.

“hello, i saw you, i know you, i knew you
i think i can remember your name
hello i’m sorry, i lost myself
i think i thought you were someone else…”