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i like "quotation marks" September 20, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in politics, war.

i don’t subscribe to the rhetoric or the propoganda on either side. i can’t quote stats, or forward you “secret” emails from a journalist who is in the know about what is going on at the highest levels of our government. i may not be “informed” or “responsible”. i haven’t been to camp casey or to camp reality.

all i know is over 1,900 american soldiers and somewhere between 25,000 and 29,000 civilians are dead. what i don’t know is why. maybe because i choose not to be “informed” by the “liberal media”.

i don’t like death statistics. i don’t like that people are dying in the war, or from natural disasters such as hurricane katrina or january’s tsunami, or from starvation in africa, or starvation in texas for that matter. i am sick to my stomach over the hateful words and accusations that fly back and forth between “conservatives” and “liberals”, when all it comes down to in my world is this: people are dying. people are homeless, and hungry, and heartsick, and grieving. and there is no reason to have blind hatred for anyone or to think that anyone “deserves” pain.

Jon Stewart on the Bush Administration and Katrina : “Anyone who doesn’t want to play the blame game, is usually to blame.”

i hate LJ, but sometimes it does have cool memes September 20, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in blogthings.
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LJ Interests meme results

  1. blue:
    i like blue. it’s the color of my eyes, and the sky, and my mood sometimes…husband looks really good in this color with all his dark hair.
  2. dancing:
    i don’t dance like a normal person. i like silly dancing like the pogo, and dancing where when you swoop and fall, no one can really tell if you did that on purpose or not.
  3. evils toy:
  4. graveyards:
    “in dying we live” – it is the paradox inherent in being a Christian that only by letting our selfishness die can we truly live. i know that everyone and everything in this life is temporary (ashesto_ashes). graveyards honor the dead by comforting the living. sometimes they have pretty statues, too.
  5. keeping score:
    i hold grudges and am somewhat competitive in a passive-aggressive sort of way – i keep score a lot, even if i don’t tell anyone.
  6. marriage:
    i like being married. when nothing else makes sense, not even the person i am married TO, the vows we have taken give us the strength to turn towards each other in times of crisis, even when that crisis may be with each other.
  7. pet shop boys:
    “what have i, what have i, what have i done to deserve this?” pity party all the way. i am so good at this.
  8. renaissance faires:
    fun, fun, fun! minstrels and friars and jesters and lots of pretty things i can’t afford to buy!
  9. synthpop:
    danceable! singable! yay!
  10. true love:
    still trying to decide what this is. i used to confuse it with romance. considering i spend so much time thinking about it, it definitely qualifies as an interest.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

instant mashed potatoes… September 20, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in cooking, education.
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…are the BEST INVENTION EVER, i mean it. those wonderfully flaky flakes just poof up like you wouldn’t believe, and all it takes it a little milk and butter and hot water! crazy! i’ve been fixing instant mashed potatoes for years, but i don’t think i ever truly appreciated how wonderful they are until now. besides being convenient, they are incredibly tasty as well. they go with everything, and you can serve them with butter, cheese, or gravy. a resounding two thumbs up for instant mashed potatoes!


i’m back to contemplating school options again. i know i want to go back, but i’m having a hard time deciding what i want to study. see, the simple fact is, i’m not brave enough to try and study anything i might be “passionate” about, nor am i ethically-challenged enough to say, “i’ll follow the money, regardless of whether or not i have any actual interest in the subject matter.” so far, i’ve applied to programs in dental hygiene, respiratory therapy, and health information management. the first is a BS program with many, many prerequisites to be accomplished before even being considered for actual “acceptance”. eh. the second is a community college associate’s degree program, supposedly designed to put you to work immediately upon graduation. the third is a BS program in what is supposedly one of the fastest growing occupations ever, according to the bureau of labor statistics. i did a quick look around on careerbuilder.com and typed in each potential job title along with the area i want to be back in. “dental hygienist” returned 4 results, “respiratory therapist” returned 26, and “HIM/medical coding” returned 25. so i think i can rule out dental hygiene.

oh, i know all this whining about school is SO LAME. if only i could be a professional student and get paid to go to school and just take classes in anything i wanted, WOW, that sounds awesome!

BUT is it as awesome as instant mashed potatoes? i’ll have to think about that one…

keep that Catholic "probe" away from me September 17, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in Catholic.
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Catholic probe to look at gays in seminaries

is the Roman Catholic Church never going to get it?

first, a couple of definitions:

    pe·do·phil·ia Pronunciation: “pE-d&-‘fi-lE-&Function: nounEtymology: New Latin: sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual objectho·mo·sex·u·al Pronunciation: “hO-m&-‘sek-sh(&-)w&l, -‘sek-sh&lFunction: adjective1 : of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward another of the same sex

while homosexuality may, in fact, be very prevalent in Catholic seminaries (and to my way of thinking, the insistence on a celibate, male priesthood is very, very responsible for this – that, however, is another post), it does not change the fact that the participants in a homosexual relationship are consenting adults. regardless of the Church’s teachings about the rightness or wrongness or just plain is-ness of homosexuality, the participants are not victims. the children who have been attacked by pedophile priests ARE. WHY, oh WHY, is the Vatican not re-evaluating the seminary entrance requirements and psychological tests used for applicants to weed out PEDOPHILES? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHURCH?! WHAT is it going to take to rid the Catholic priesthood of pathological victimizers? it is just heartbreaking. i was raised in this Church. i was confirmed in this Church. and now i have left this Church because i cannot bear the knowledge that the Vatican hierarchy, headed by the glorious Pope Rat for years while his predecessor John Paul II was weakening, was not only aware of, but responsible for the reassignment of pedophile priests and continued victimization of the youngest and most helpless of God’s children.

apostolic succession, my ASS. would Christ and His apostles condone what they have done – what they continue to do? Christ said the kingdom of heaven belongs to the children. doesn’t that mean Pope Rat has a responsibility as His earthly representative to protect them? how DO you think he sleeps at night?

probably just fine. that’s the scary part.

what’s my age again? September 13, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in music.
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i’m suddenly on this weird punk-pop kick. it started when i heard green day’s “holiday” on the radio on the way home from work (yes, i still listen to local radio) today. so far, the track list for my new punk-pop cd is a real mish mash (or should that be mish MOSH – haha – ok, i get it, that was lame). i’ve got “holiday” of course, because it inspired the whole thing. i’ve got some good 80’s stuff like the descendents “i’m not a punk”, and social distortion’s “ball and chain”, and agent orange’s “the last goodbye”. of course i also have blink 182 and the offspring and the ataris and the all-american rejects. suggestions, anyone?

i’ve been bidding on coldplay tickets… September 13, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, family, lyrics, music, weight loss, work.
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…on ebay for about 3 weeks now, and today i just gave up. as i stared in abject horror, my bid of $43.99 FOR LAWN SEATS was jacked up to $125 in the space of 5 minutes. so i gave up. i figured it was God’s way of telling me to save my dollars for depeche mode tickets. 🙂

truthfully, i’m not in a good mood. i had a horrid afternoon at work with an obviously unhappy individual. i came home, walked in the door, and no one noticed i was there. so, i went out and sat on the porch swing and felt sorry for myself. i tried to have a good cry about it, but i couldn’t summon up more than a few tears. what i really wanted was a good old-fashioned bawl session in the arms of someone who loves me. what i got instead was a blank stare and the demand to know what was wrong with me. i’m tired of having to verbalize my feelings. i don’t want to own my emotions. why can’t anyone say to me, “you look sad, is there anything i can do?” instead of “what’s wrong with YOU?”

furthermore, i was reading my blogroll, and i came across a comment from my sister-in-law that she was afraid to post since i discovered her blog. it hurt a little bit, because i discovered her by accident and then made a point of commenting – kind of my way of letting her know i would respect her privacy and was no threat. and yet, with no malicious intent, without realizing it and without meaning to, i invaded it anyway, because she is now afraid to post. it just kind of contributed to the overall sense of “i can’t do anything right.”

i also feel cruddy because i haven’t been eating right. it’s weird how i can notice a difference in the way i feel when i go overboard on sugar via cokes, cookies, and candy. i’ve been bingeing the last few days, and my body is yelling at me to quit it.

i’m trying to get excited about our upcoming weekend jaunt home for our old parish’s fall festival (what could be better than a trip home with no family obligations!), but i’m having a hard time. i feel hopeless, and intellectually, i know i’m in the grip of a depressive episode. i could probably stand to get back on some medication, but if i do that it will be yet another way in which i’ve failed to control myself.

jeez, this was a cheery post, wasn’t it?

“I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
this is the dawning of the rest of our lives on holiday…”
-Green Day

sick kid September 6, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in Boy-o, health.
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UGH, it is SO HOT in this house!

by the way, i neglected to mention that i am NOT in fact, a bad mother, and i DID in fact take Boy-o to the doctor. and he has an ear infection and a touch of stomach flu. i’m thinking that ear infection explains why he’s been tripping over his feet more the last few days. so today Boy-o got his first ever “big bag of drugs” from the pharmacy. an antibiotic, ear drops for pain, anti-nausea gel that i rub into his little wrists (for the vomitting) and over-the-counter immodium for the diarrhea. he’s on the BRAT diet – bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast.

poor baby boy.

this is an insight into my life… September 6, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in Boy-o, family, life, lyrics, marriage, road trips, The Princess.
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driving back here from the state where I used to live yesterday (we went down to see my family and visit with friends for the labor day weekend), i felt the most profound sense of relief to be coming home. it scared the ever-livin’ shit out of me, because try as i might, i haven’t managed to get on board with considering this place “home”, and when we crossed the state line and i exhaled my big sigh of relief, i didn’t know what to think. was it because i was simply tired of being on the road? was it because there was a lot of tension between my parents and husband, and that made ME feel tense and i was just glad to be leaving it behind? or was it because i am starting to genuinely appreciate this place – the slower pace, the lack of drama, etc.

the aforementioned tension was primarily because every time husband sat down this weekend, he fell asleep, and my parents view people who sleep during the day as lazy. to tell the truth, the sleeping annoyed me too, but i was able to temper it by telling myself, “for god’s sake, angel – he just finished working 15 straight days of 12 hour shifts – he’s TIRED.” but he also sleeps when he’s bored, and my family bores him with our constant chatter about news, people we know, politics and religion. it used to just make me absolutely fry with anger that he could sleep through all the talking, but moving in with his parents helped me to realize that him not “getting” my family is really no different than me not “getting” his family with all their silence. when his parents do talk, it’s about hunting, or fishing, or baking, or louisiana – and i can’t stand it. it’s the most boring thing ever to sit on the couch on a saturday afternoon and watch a fishing show. it makes me want to sleep the afternoon away. a ha! i get it!

the secondary reason for the tension was Boy-o. he wasn’t feeling well, and he threw up in his bed on friday night, which made The Princess’s room smell of vomit. it all went downhill from there. i wasn’t overly worried about the vomitting, because even though this child is a human vacuum cleaner, as his mother, i know when he has had too much to eat. and he had too much to eat on friday evening. so he threw up. i’ve also had a touch of a stomach virus myself, and i figured he caught it from me. so, husband stripped the bed, and i opened the windows to air out the room and gave him a bath, and The Princess lysoled the crib rails and febreezed the carpet around it. mess taken care of, right? wrong – we didn’t wash the crib mattress with lysol. we didn’t act worried enough. we didn’t let him nap long enough, or feed him the right kind of food for an upset tummy, or play with him right. news flash – the kid was not in the mood to play. and no, i haven’t ever taken him outside to play. he just started walking about 2 months ago, and i don’t like heat. i live in a nominally southern state with an average summer heat index of 105 degrees fahrenheit. we’ll go to the park and play when it cools off.

sunday night after we put Boy-o to bed, we went out to the club that was my old stomping ground. it’s the goth night there. cheap cover, good drinks, and enough weird people to keep the whole thing interesting made it my twice weekly stop throughout my early twenties. in the last several years though, i’ve gone once or twice a year, just to hear the music and look at all the pretty people. but you couldn’t pay me enough to actually talk to anyone there, and it’s not for the reason you’d think. i’ve just…moved past it, i guess. no matter how open, honest, and tolerant i try to be in my day to day life, all i have to do is walk through the doors of that place and my nice self gets flushed down the toilet. suddenly i’m a fashion critic who can’t believe what those people are wearing or how they’re dancing. i’m not a nice person when i’m there. i watched a group of friends who all came to the club together, and one of the friends was blind. instead of admiring their friendship – the willingness to get the guy drinks and the helping him to navigate the crowd, the laughter on the faces of the girls as they danced and had a good time – all i could focus on was one member of the group’s mullet haircut and his white socks and jean shorts. it was just shitty of me. shitty, shitty, shitty. i enjoyed the video bar, and the comfy couches, and the company of my dear husband, which was all good, because i didn’t enjoy my own company.

“This is an insight into my life
this is a strange flight I’m taking
my true will carries me along

This is a soul dance embracing me
this is the first chance to put things right
moving on guided by the light…”

Depeche Mode – “Insight”