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November 29, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, divorce.
5 comments

Moving day is upon me very, very soon. I thought I would be ecstatic, but I am having a lot of irrational mood swings about it, and last night I think I was finally able to pinpoint why.

It’s not like I have lived here for a long time or have extensive memories associated with these four walls and this roof. I moved in here a mere 6 months ago when I separated from my husband. My dad, sister, and brother-in-law brought their pickup truck and a borrowed trailer and helped me make my escape one Saturday morning right after my husband left for work. The whole time I was throwing stuff madly into my car and the two other vehicles I was crying. I could barely see. I attempted to help move furniture but was so dizzy with fear at what I was doing that I kept dropping my end of stuff, and finally my dad and brother-in-law gave up and did it themselves.

This is the letter I left:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 7, 2007

Dear W,

I’ve decided, and you probably won’t disagree, that we need to separate for the time being.

I have taken only clothing and the furniture items I brought into our marriage. With the exception of a few kitchen appliances and the desktop computer, I have left everything that we acquired together.

I have signed a 6 month lease on a place in town. I have taken my cell phone, but left what I believe is fair payment for this month’s bill. I do not feel it necessary to pay for any of your long distance charges, since you incurred them while violating your marriage vows and being unfaithful to me.

I do not intend to file for divorce at this time. It is my genuine prayer that you will address your unfaithfulness to me and realize this is not an appropriate way for a 33 year old married man and father to behave. I also pray that you will stop blaming everyone else for the way you choose to behave. I love you very much and want to reconcile with you, but I can no longer continue to stand by and watch you inflict harm on yourself. It is too painful for me, when I want to do everything I know how to do to stop it, to save you, and I can’t…because ultimately your behavior has nothing to do with me. Regardless of the excuses you make to yourself, you have not cheated because I worked nights and you were lonely, or because I lost my temper and smacked you, or because I went out and spent $20 on dinner with a friend. You cheat because you have a deep seated character defect that causes you to think you are above things like honesty with and fidelity to your wife, a flaw that allows your to rationalize everything you do, no matter who you hurt in the process.

I would like to come to an agreement with you about Boy-o. I have no desire to keep your son from you, and it would be my preference that we can work out a joint custody agreement that allows him to spend equal time with both of us.

Call me when you’re ready.

I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am happy to be returning to my home state, but I am crying because, when I wrote that letter, I only intended to move out of this house to reunite my family. Instead of me, and our life, and our dreams, and our hopes, he chose…friends. Friends that he sees a few times a year at gaming conventions, and he chose these friends because they do not, in his words, “judge him”. They do not challenge him to live up to the promises he made to God and to me, and they do not ask him to be the best person he can be.

And it is so. fucking. sad. Because instead of moving out of here to reunite my family, I am filing for divorce. I am moving back in with my parents. I am being forced to acknowledge that I have wasted the last 6 years of my life and that the only good thing to come out of it at all was Boy-o. As a friend told me recently, I got a lovely parting gift.

gabelovesmama.jpg

My initial plans once I get home (aside from getting a job) are to get signed up for a yoga class at the gym down the street, and I’m thinking of trying my hand at knitting as well. I’ve been looking at this yarn shop, and they offer beginner classes. It’s a thought, anyway.

Voice of the Day: Living In a World With Suffering (from Beliefnet: God’s Politics) November 28, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging.
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Living as we do in a world that suffers so much, two opposing possibilities can easily tempt us: either to turn our backs and live oblivious to the pain or to allow the pain to overwhelm us and despair to take up residence in our hearts. The truly faithful option is to face the pain and live joyfully in the midst of it. Those who suffer most remind us of how tragic and arrogant it would be for us to lose hope on behalf of people who have not lost theirs. They are teachers of joy.

– Joyce Hollyday
Then Your Light Shall Rise

you people think I’m joking… November 28, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in nerd stuff.
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nokia-5300-xpressmusic.jpg

My lonely, lonely nights are a thing of the past.  I have a new phone.

It is pretty.  It stores 250 mp3’s.  It doesn’t argue with me or give me the silent treatment, but it is quiet when I ask it to be.  It doesn’t cheat on me with other phones.  It doesn’t complain when I ask it to call my mother.  It sings me a pretty song to wake me up in the morning.  If it had arms it would be absolutely perfect.

Oh well, I guess I can’t have it all.

week 4 November 27, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in weight loss.
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Forgot my weekly update on Sunday!

down 1.6 lbs, total: 9.2 lbs.

Marcus update November 22, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, friends.
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A couple of people have asked me for an update on Marcus and the tragedy that has affected the small town I live in, so I thought I would just sum things up before I head south for the Thanksgiving weekend.

A week and a half ago, my friends were driving south on I-35 from a night partying in Norman.  There were 6 of them in the car, and 5 of them worked with me at the call center.  Just south of the city, they were hit head on at highway speed by a woman in a brand new car who was traveling north in the southbound lanes of the freeway.  This woman had left a suicide note at home.  The woman was killed instantly.  The 6 in the other car had to be cut from the vehicle.  2 were already dead by the time emergency services arrived, and the other 2 died at the scene in a matter of minutes.  Marcus and the other kid (who didn’t work at the call center, so I don’t know him) were Mediflighted to OU Medical Center.  There was a third car behind my friends’ car that was involved, and that car was driven by a man who was heading back to our same small town.  He blessedly walked away without injury.  Only the drivers of the three cars were wearing their seatbelts, although frankly, I can’t figure out why the woman who caused all this bothered.  If that sounds bitter, I’m sorry.

No I’m not.  I AM bitter.

Although the word on the street was that Marcus wasn’t going to make it, I should have known that someone as ummm…flaming…as he is wouldn’t allow himself to be extinguished so easily. 🙂

In the first few days, he had two brain surgeries to relive swelling and the pressure from fluid buildup.  He has also had two reconstructive surgeries on his face.  All his ribs are broken, something is wrong with his spleen, his jaw is wired shut, he has lost hearing in his left ear and sight in his left eye.  Collarbone is broken in two places, left femur in two.  He’s on a  feeding tube and a respirator, and they’ve been trying to wean him off it for the last few days, because the longer he remains on it, the harder it will be for him to breathe on his own.  Most of the time he has been kept in a medically induced coma, but when awoken, he responds to requests to squeeze a hand or try to move a leg.  He knows he is in the hospital, but doesn’t know what has happened yet.  His condition has been upgraded from critical to stable.  His mother, from whom he has been long estranged, is by his bedside, and he has squeezed her hand once for yes when she asked if she could stay, and twice for no when she asked if she should leave.  And so the spirit of forgiveness appears to have taken root in the midst of this awful mess.

Last Wednesday were the four funerals, and that evening we held a candlelight memorial service at work to celebrate the lives of those who were too young to die.  Everyone told stories, and there were a lot of tears.  We’re flying the flags at half staff.

This Saturday we are holding a benefit drag show to raise money for the hospital bills.  Originally, I was supposed to work the event, but when some of my teammates realized that this Sunday is my last day at work, they decided to find a fill in for me so they could buy me drinks and have a little going away party too.  And as happy as I am to be going home, I am genuinely going to miss all the wonderful people who held me up during these last few difficult months.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Oh my Goth! November 18, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in entertainment.
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 gogothteam.jpg

You gotta watch The Amazing Race on CBS, Sundays at 7 PM CST.  I’m totally diggin’ Kynt and Vyxsin, the Gothic Energizer Bunnies!

2007 November 18, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogthings.
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WITH 2007 COMING TO AN END

1. Have you had any relationships this year?
Depends on how you define it. I have been legally bound in holy matrimony all year. Have we had a “relationship”? No. We stopped communicating effectively some time ago. And so it ends…hopefully before the year is out.

2. Have you had your birthday yet?
yes

3. Kissed two people in the same night
Ummm, no. I’m not like that.

4. Been on a diet?
No, but I have changed the way I eat.

5. Pulled an all nighter?
Yeah. Fighting.

6. Drank Starbucks?
Overpriced. And I don’t like coffee. 🙂

7. Went Camping?
On the beach in Port A right after Easter.

8. Bought something(s)?
My freedom.

9. Met someone special?
Lots of people. 🙂

10. been out of state?
back and forth between home state and saucepan-shaped state to the north

12. What are you thinking about?
obsessions

HAVE YOU

1.) Hugged someone?
yes

2.) Slept in someone else’s bed?
yes

3.) Got a job?
yes, and I’m getting rid of it next Sunday!

4.) Loaned out money?
sore subject

5.) Gotten in a car accident?
not this year…lots of speeding tickets, but no accidents this year.

6.) Gone over your mobile phone bill
nope – I love T-Mobile FlexPay (do you think I can get a free phone upgrade for that?)

7.) Been called a bitch?
yes

8.) Done something you regret?
this year has been regret free…wish I could say that about the last several years, but live and learn, right?

LAST :

Last Person you hugged?
Boy-o

Last Person to call you?
K

When was the last time you felt stupid?
July 1, when I opened the phone bill.

Who did you last yell at?
Boy-o’s dad

What did you do today?
went to work, ate dinner, watched The Amazing Race (go Kynt and Vyxsin!)

TEN FACTS :

01. Hometown?
Originally Cleveland, Ohio, but FWTX since I was 9 years old

02. Natural hair color?
brown

03. Initials?
jej

04. Hair style?
growing out from a really short cropped style

5. Eye color?
blue

06. Height:
5″5

07. Pets:
none. Don’t like animals that much.

08. Mood?
resigned

09. Where would you rather be:
the beach

10. What was the last thing you drank?
water

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:

01. Have you ever been in love:
yeessss…why do you ask?

02. Do you believe in love?
“I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.”

03. Why did your LAST relationship fail?
infidelity

04. Have you ever been heartbroken:
ouch

05. Have you ever broken someone’s heart:
I don’t think so. I’ve almost always been the dumpee because I have a very hard time letting go.

06. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?
ouch

07. Have you ever loved someone but never told them?
shhhhh.

08. Are you afraid of commitment?
I need to be a little more afraid of it. My desire for it has landed me in some rather unhealthy spots.

09. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life?
no

EMOTIONS

01. Are you missing someone right now?
you have no idea

02. Are you eating anything?
bell peppers

03. Do you like someone right now?
lots of people!

That must be the end

BRING ON 2008!

week 3 November 18, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in divorce, food.
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Accountability demands I be honest even when progress takes a week off, so…this week I was UP 3.2 lbs.  It was an emotional week, and my food choices reflected it.  We’re mostly girls here, so I can say that ovulation and water retention probably didn’t help either!

We completed the divorce negotiations this week, and the papers should be ready to file by the middle of next week.

This brings the total to  7.6 lbs. lost after 3 weeks.  Back to it, I suppose.

RevGalBlogPals Friday5: Think About These Things Edition November 16, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in Friday Fives.
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Songbird writes:

Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8, NRSV)

Friends, it’s nearly Thanksgiving in the U.S. and it’s the time of year when we are pressed to name things for which we are thankful. I want to offer a twist on the usual lists and use Paul’s letter to the church at Philippi as a model. Name five things that are true, honorable, just, pure, pleasing, commendable, excellent or worthy of praise. These could be people, organizations, acts, ideas, works of art, pieces of music–whatever comes to mind for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

True: “I will keep faith – in God, in God’s faith in me, and in all the companions whom God has given me to help see the world as God sees it – so that together we may find a way to help realize the divine vision. If some of us do not yet know who we are going to be tomorrow, then it is enough for us to give thanks for today while we treat each other as well as we know how. “Be kind,” wrote Philo of Alexandria, “for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”

-Barbara Brown Taylor, Leaving Church

Honorable: My parents

Just: Sojourners, the ONE Campaign, the Millennium Development Goals, Episcopal Relief and Development, Matthew 25 Mission

Pure:

Pleasing: pedicures, the beach, tattoos, down comforters, pink lemonade, cigarettes, home cooked meals, intense conversations, cocktails with friends, filthunlimited, “synthpop, new wave, darkwave, futurepop, electropop, electroclash, industrial, EBM and Goth” (even though they. are. all. dead.)

Commendable: this letter

Excellent: a snarky retort, a sick joke, back rubs, Dave Gahan’s new album “Hourglass”

Worthy of Praise: “El Shaddai, El Shaddai, El Elyon-na Adonai”

November 11, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in prayer.
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My friend and co-worker Marcus has been involved in an automobile accident and is currently in critical condition at OU Medical Center. He went into emergency surgery this morning and by this afternoon we were informed that he is in a coma and his head trauma is so severe he is not expected to make it.

Involved in the accident with him were 6 other co-workers at my call center. 3 have died, including Marcus’ boyfriend.

Another co-worker and friend named Jersey and I sit on either side of Marcus at work, and really, it’s a wonder we get any work done at all. Marcus is our personal cheerleader when we are blue about our personal lives or when we have just finished dealing with a difficult call and need some serious encouragement to press that “available” button again. He’s funny and snarky, and he’s supposed to leave for basic training for the Army National Guard early next year. He’s got youth and strength and spirit and the love of many, many people on his side, but head trauma is head trauma.

Pray. Pray hard. Please.