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January 24, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression.

Yesterday I…

-straightened out an issue with the lienholder of my vehicle…my payments were 2 months behind due to the move and the 2 weeks spent without a job, but I think I’ve got it fixed now.

Today I…

-called the company that owns my student loans.  I’ve been dodging their calls for months because I haven’t been able to pay.  So I called and said, “Help?  I’m getting divorced and I have no money.” and they said, “Look at that, you qualify for an economic hardship deferment. And we can backdate it to take care of all the past due stuff, too.”

Suffice it to say, when I moved, I just packed my shit and MOVED.  I was so emotionally drained, I didn’t forward my mail, turn off my utilities, change over my car insurance/registration – ANYTHING.  And, well…it’s catching up with me.  It’s not all bad.  My former landlord rented the place again the next week, so the utility companies figured out I didn’t live there anymore and sent me refunds of my deposits, which were helpful during the crunch.  But I’m so tired of living like this.  Ignoring problems does not make them go away, and you’d think I would know that by now.

I keep wanting to call the contact at my new parish for Stephen Ministry, but I think I’m too hard a case.  If anyone knows of good experiences others have had with it, I would appreciate hearing them.


January 20, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, Episcopal.

So today was the annual meeting at church, a time in which reports are given and budgets explained and vestry members and diocesan convention delegates are elected.  Even though I haven’t been attending this church very long and haven’t officially transferred my letter yet (therefore not having voting privileges), I decided to attend.  I haven’t gotten to know anyone or participated in anything outside of services yet, and I thought maybe I could get a better sense of what the actual people of the church were like if I saw them in a forum where there would be some discussions and debates.

(Side note: this is a different method of operating for me, by the way.  When I have joined a new parish in the past, I have jumped in with both feet.  I have introduced myself and my family to the rector, asked how I could get involved, attended education classes right off the bat, pledged…the whole works.  But I’m stepping gingerly this time.  Part of this has to do with the fact that this IS the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth, an all-around unfriendly place for people who want (as I do) to remain Episcopalian.  The other part is my own emotional state.  I feel odd, being as it’s just Boy-o and me, no husband.  Until it was gone, I didn’t realize how much security I took from simply being someone’s wife, even though the marriage was a disaster almost from the get go, even though I know with all my heart that I will be healthier on my own.  I’m not comfortable identifying myself as husband-less yet.  I find myself wondering if the fact that I haven’t felt welcomed in this parish has to do with my insecurities about no longer being part of a “traditional” family unit, or whether it really is THEM.  So today, to battle some of the demons that have been trailing my footsteps (see last post), I decided to try and find out by attending this meeting.)

I had read in the bulletin that child care would be provided, but not knowing anyone, and being a little nervous about asking (because then people would know I don’t BELONG), I ambled around to all the classrooms until I found the one where there were kids watching movies.  I asked if this was the child care for the meeting, and the nice lady said it was.  She took Boy-o’s backpack, asked his name, and sat him in  a chair with the other kids to watch “Ratatouille”.  I went back into the parish hall and looked around for a place to sit.  Lunch was being served (a baked potato bar), but I wasn’t hungry, so I found a place at a table where no one else was sitting.  In the old days, I would have seated myself and my husband at a table that had people already, shaken hands, introduced the both of us, and started a conversation.  But these are most definitely not the old days.  I was nervous.  I wanted to know more about the parish, but wasn’t sure how to begin finding out.  There were a lot of people there, they were all wearing name tags, and I didn’t know any of them.

Then a very nice woman at another table made eye contact with me and asked if I would like to come sit with them, so I did.  Introductions were made around the table, and I put on my super duper being-interviewed-for-a-job-and-I-have-to-make-them-like-them-me smiley face.  The lady who invited me asked how long I had been coming to the parish, I said only a few weeks and explained I had recently moved back home to the area from Oklahoma.  It turned out that we live in the same Fort Worth suburb, only a few miles apart, and both drive about 25 minutes to this parish when there is another Episcopal parish in the very town we live in.  I also learned she and her husband were from Oklahoma, so that gave us a few things to talk about.  The priest-in-charge (the parish is in the middle of a rector search process, it turns out) interrupted our getting to know one another by doing the familiar quieting of the room with “The Lord be with you”, and informed us that Bishop +JLI had asked that this video  (text can be found here) of his address from the diocesan convention in November be played at each parish’s annual meeting.

Immediately, the following comments were heard:

“But he didn’t say we had to listen, did he?”


“You know, after I was confirmed he held out his hand at a 45 degree angle like I was supposed to kiss his ring, and all I could think of was in the Lord of the Rings when Gollum bites Frodo’s finger off.”

And if I needed any more reassurance that I was in an okay place, my new friend  asked me what brought me to this place instead of the closer parish.  I looked at the other people around the table, screwed up my courage, and did something that I understand is quite risky these days in the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth – I blurted out, “I want to be part of a place that is not on its way out of The Episcopal Church.”  Everyone smiled, and an older gentleman (who it also turned out was a vestry member) said I had come to the right place.

This was all being said in quiet voices while the video was playing, and the whole room was in conversation in this manner.  I can honestly say that I have never seen a group of Episcopalians less interested in what their bishop had to say.  Another woman at the table told me, “We were considerate while he was explaining the bit about the history of how the diocese came to be, but frankly we really don’t care to hear the rest of his opinions about how we are going to be “left behind”.  Her husband commented on the hearty applause by the convention delegates at the end of the bishop’s talk, and the vestry member next to me said, “Well, of course – he’s preaching to his choir.  We are not members of his choir.”

So, this weekend’s progress consisted of the following:

1. Reactivating membership in that famous club that makes you write down everything you eat.

2. Making friends at church.

3. Not obsessing about that which has been lost forever.

The activities of the next few days are expected to include:

1. A talk with Fr. Priest-in-Charge, who is also in charge of the Stephen Ministry.  Because I think I could use their help.

2. A concerted effort to remember that not everyone is thinking about me all the time.  Cos this whiny shit I’ve been doing is seriously pathological.

January 18, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression.

Here it is.

I’m tired.  I’m sad.  I’m lost.  I’m pissed the fuck off.  Nothing is right, and I don’t know how to fix it.  I’m constantly forcing down the scream that just wants to come howling to the surface.  My chest hurts and I can’t swallow.  I want to step in front of one of this town’s many trains, or jump off the roof, or shoot myself in the head, or slice my forearms to ribbons.  I have constant dreams about death…except I’m not sure if you can call them dreams, since they happen when I’m awake, too.  You’d never know it.  You could pass me walking down the hall at work, and you would never know about the bloody movie playing on an endless loop in my head.  I think the official term for this is “suicidal ideations”.  I have no plan to carry any of this out.  I keep telling myself that I have people depending on me, and haven’t I hurt them enough already?

I have lost my marriage.  I think I may have lost my religion, too.  I’ve lost my independence, and my reason.  If I could figure out a way to stay in bed 24 hours a day and sleep, I would.

I have lost the good kid Boy-o used to be, the one that his teachers told me was a pleasure to have around.  Now he’s the “problem child” who has lost his potty training and is constantly in time out and throwing tantrums, and his teacher at his new preschool HATES me and thinks I am a shitty mother.  I can TELL.  I’m supposed to be enforcing a consistent program of discipline and rewards and consequences at home, but I have no discipline in my OWN routine, and have been utterly unable to do this for him.

And dammit…it feels like he used to be good just for being able to climb up in my lap for a kiss and a snuggle, just because he was a nice kid…and now he wants a freaking REWARD for everything.  I want to tell him, the real world isn’t going to reward you for following directions and cleaning up your mess.  But that would be cruel.  I think.

Once upon a time, when I was well-insured and had a co-parent around on a daily basis, I was able to put together a tidy little package of medication, counseling, spiritual direction, church involvement, diet, and exercise that had me feeling the best I have ever felt in my life.  For close to a year, I got to see what life is like in the light.  It seems unfathomable to me now that I once felt good.  I try every…single…day to make a list of the things I would need to do, the phone calls I would need to make, the places I would have to drive to get back there, and I get exhausted and put down the pen.

I’m tired of licking my wounds.  I don’t know how to do anything else.  I have a job, but I’m a temp, and there is no possible way I can ask for a whole day off to go sit at the county mental health center to fill out paperwork for a possible appointment 3 months in the future.  I spend all my free weekends when Boy-o is with his dad drunk out of my mind.  I will do anything to avoid having to think about the pile of shit that is my life.  The last couple of nights have seen me passing out from too much cough syrup.  I’m out now, but I briefly considered going out to CVS to buy some more, which is a big clue that this is not a healthy path I am starting down.

Am I sick, mad, or both?

Can I just go to sleep now?  And never wake up?

January 5, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging.
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I resurrected my photo blog project of last year. I did really well with it from January until the middle of July when things went loony, and I missed doing it, so I’ve started over this year. The pictures are all taken with my camera phone, so no promises as to quality! But if you’re so inclined, you can check it out and leave comments here.

1997 January 2, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in The Princess.
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It was so strange, you often slept with your

eyes open, whites rolled back into your head and it

was eerie but I knew, deep down, I KNEW that

you were fighting fiercely to stay awake but I

didn’t know if that meant you were afraid of the

monsters that had a nasty habit of interrupting

your sleep or was it more benign, perhaps, flesh

of my flesh that you are, so in love with life and worried

about what you might miss?  And so I left you to

your fitful dreams, hoping that others could

mend the girl I had so thoughtlessly…broken.