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January 18, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression.

Here it is.

I’m tired.  I’m sad.  I’m lost.  I’m pissed the fuck off.  Nothing is right, and I don’t know how to fix it.  I’m constantly forcing down the scream that just wants to come howling to the surface.  My chest hurts and I can’t swallow.  I want to step in front of one of this town’s many trains, or jump off the roof, or shoot myself in the head, or slice my forearms to ribbons.  I have constant dreams about death…except I’m not sure if you can call them dreams, since they happen when I’m awake, too.  You’d never know it.  You could pass me walking down the hall at work, and you would never know about the bloody movie playing on an endless loop in my head.  I think the official term for this is “suicidal ideations”.  I have no plan to carry any of this out.  I keep telling myself that I have people depending on me, and haven’t I hurt them enough already?

I have lost my marriage.  I think I may have lost my religion, too.  I’ve lost my independence, and my reason.  If I could figure out a way to stay in bed 24 hours a day and sleep, I would.

I have lost the good kid Boy-o used to be, the one that his teachers told me was a pleasure to have around.  Now he’s the “problem child” who has lost his potty training and is constantly in time out and throwing tantrums, and his teacher at his new preschool HATES me and thinks I am a shitty mother.  I can TELL.  I’m supposed to be enforcing a consistent program of discipline and rewards and consequences at home, but I have no discipline in my OWN routine, and have been utterly unable to do this for him.

And dammit…it feels like he used to be good just for being able to climb up in my lap for a kiss and a snuggle, just because he was a nice kid…and now he wants a freaking REWARD for everything.  I want to tell him, the real world isn’t going to reward you for following directions and cleaning up your mess.  But that would be cruel.  I think.

Once upon a time, when I was well-insured and had a co-parent around on a daily basis, I was able to put together a tidy little package of medication, counseling, spiritual direction, church involvement, diet, and exercise that had me feeling the best I have ever felt in my life.  For close to a year, I got to see what life is like in the light.  It seems unfathomable to me now that I once felt good.  I try every…single…day to make a list of the things I would need to do, the phone calls I would need to make, the places I would have to drive to get back there, and I get exhausted and put down the pen.

I’m tired of licking my wounds.  I don’t know how to do anything else.  I have a job, but I’m a temp, and there is no possible way I can ask for a whole day off to go sit at the county mental health center to fill out paperwork for a possible appointment 3 months in the future.  I spend all my free weekends when Boy-o is with his dad drunk out of my mind.  I will do anything to avoid having to think about the pile of shit that is my life.  The last couple of nights have seen me passing out from too much cough syrup.  I’m out now, but I briefly considered going out to CVS to buy some more, which is a big clue that this is not a healthy path I am starting down.

Am I sick, mad, or both?

Can I just go to sleep now?  And never wake up?



1. madnessmanifesto - January 18, 2008

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough spell. I know it is really painful to look back at a “better” time and wish you could get back there. You can’t, but you CAN start making things better now, step by step, and eventually move into an even better period than the one you remember. Just take it easy on yourself, and choose to move in a new direction…cut back on the cough syrup for one. I like your photo project…maybe take some photos. Sometimes when I feel like shit and have no energy I will do something “positive and productive” like wash ONE dish, or pick up ONE dust bunnie off the carpet. And I’ll be damned if it doesn’t actually make me feel better. I just know any step in the right direction is, well, a step in the right direction. I know you are in hell, but just do any little thing you can to make it a bit better. Start taking your power back.

2. introspectreangel - January 19, 2008

I took your advice this morning and took one baby step forward by making a much needed phone call. Thank you.

3. marybeth - January 21, 2008

oh, hon…it’s the next right thing, one step after another…that’s the only way to do it. Proud of you.

4. ymp - January 21, 2008

One step after another–definitely. And life isn’t going to be perfect for awhile. Cleaning up your life is just like cleaning house–cleaning one room means that some of the junk is just redistributed and everything else looks even messier, for awhile.
You did this for good reasons and you will keep doing this for good reasons: you deserve a better life than you had.

5. terri c - January 24, 2008

I have read the most recent post and want to say, GOOD FOR YOU for taking that step, and keep on–one at a time. Praying hard for you. You and Boy-O are also both grieving, and it makes everything feel ten times harder. Please keep writing–get it out–and know that prayers and warm thoughts are with you.

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