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January 24, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression.

Yesterday I…

-straightened out an issue with the lienholder of my vehicle…my payments were 2 months behind due to the move and the 2 weeks spent without a job, but I think I’ve got it fixed now.

Today I…

-called the company that owns my student loans.  I’ve been dodging their calls for months because I haven’t been able to pay.  So I called and said, “Help?  I’m getting divorced and I have no money.” and they said, “Look at that, you qualify for an economic hardship deferment. And we can backdate it to take care of all the past due stuff, too.”

Suffice it to say, when I moved, I just packed my shit and MOVED.  I was so emotionally drained, I didn’t forward my mail, turn off my utilities, change over my car insurance/registration – ANYTHING.  And, well…it’s catching up with me.  It’s not all bad.  My former landlord rented the place again the next week, so the utility companies figured out I didn’t live there anymore and sent me refunds of my deposits, which were helpful during the crunch.  But I’m so tired of living like this.  Ignoring problems does not make them go away, and you’d think I would know that by now.

I keep wanting to call the contact at my new parish for Stephen Ministry, but I think I’m too hard a case.  If anyone knows of good experiences others have had with it, I would appreciate hearing them.


January 18, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression.

Here it is.

I’m tired.  I’m sad.  I’m lost.  I’m pissed the fuck off.  Nothing is right, and I don’t know how to fix it.  I’m constantly forcing down the scream that just wants to come howling to the surface.  My chest hurts and I can’t swallow.  I want to step in front of one of this town’s many trains, or jump off the roof, or shoot myself in the head, or slice my forearms to ribbons.  I have constant dreams about death…except I’m not sure if you can call them dreams, since they happen when I’m awake, too.  You’d never know it.  You could pass me walking down the hall at work, and you would never know about the bloody movie playing on an endless loop in my head.  I think the official term for this is “suicidal ideations”.  I have no plan to carry any of this out.  I keep telling myself that I have people depending on me, and haven’t I hurt them enough already?

I have lost my marriage.  I think I may have lost my religion, too.  I’ve lost my independence, and my reason.  If I could figure out a way to stay in bed 24 hours a day and sleep, I would.

I have lost the good kid Boy-o used to be, the one that his teachers told me was a pleasure to have around.  Now he’s the “problem child” who has lost his potty training and is constantly in time out and throwing tantrums, and his teacher at his new preschool HATES me and thinks I am a shitty mother.  I can TELL.  I’m supposed to be enforcing a consistent program of discipline and rewards and consequences at home, but I have no discipline in my OWN routine, and have been utterly unable to do this for him.

And dammit…it feels like he used to be good just for being able to climb up in my lap for a kiss and a snuggle, just because he was a nice kid…and now he wants a freaking REWARD for everything.  I want to tell him, the real world isn’t going to reward you for following directions and cleaning up your mess.  But that would be cruel.  I think.

Once upon a time, when I was well-insured and had a co-parent around on a daily basis, I was able to put together a tidy little package of medication, counseling, spiritual direction, church involvement, diet, and exercise that had me feeling the best I have ever felt in my life.  For close to a year, I got to see what life is like in the light.  It seems unfathomable to me now that I once felt good.  I try every…single…day to make a list of the things I would need to do, the phone calls I would need to make, the places I would have to drive to get back there, and I get exhausted and put down the pen.

I’m tired of licking my wounds.  I don’t know how to do anything else.  I have a job, but I’m a temp, and there is no possible way I can ask for a whole day off to go sit at the county mental health center to fill out paperwork for a possible appointment 3 months in the future.  I spend all my free weekends when Boy-o is with his dad drunk out of my mind.  I will do anything to avoid having to think about the pile of shit that is my life.  The last couple of nights have seen me passing out from too much cough syrup.  I’m out now, but I briefly considered going out to CVS to buy some more, which is a big clue that this is not a healthy path I am starting down.

Am I sick, mad, or both?

Can I just go to sleep now?  And never wake up?

I’m on my way, I’m on my waaaaaayyy home sweet home…. December 30, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, divorce, Episcopal, family, lyrics, ministry, moving.

texasflag_fullquilt.jpg  So, I’m back.

Boy-o and I have officially taken up residence in adjacent second floor bedrooms of my parents’ house just north of Fort Worth.  This is not my childhood home…that was sold while I was in college, so I have never actually lived here before, only visited on school breaks, and for holidays and occasional weekends while I was married.

We’ve been here for almost a month now, sleeping on air mattresses, but my furniture was only moved from Oklahoma into a local storage unit last weekend.  About 5 minutes ago, I finished getting my computer set up and the wireless card installed so I can use the home network – yay for the Internets!

I’ve got a job already, working in medical records, or as it’s called now, “health information services”, at a local hospital.  This fits in well with my goal to go back to school in the near future for a degree in health information technology so I can be a medical records coder and you know, support myself and move out of this house. 🙂  I’ve got a post simmering away somewhere in the stew that is my brain about why what I perceived to be a vocation to the priesthood has been put way, way on a back burner.  Like on a stove in someone else’s house.  Suffice it to say that I have come to realize in the last few months that my search for God’s plan for me may not lie in ordained ministry after all, and that I latched on to it because it is the most highly VISIBLE way to serve, and I was in a marriage, indeed in a LIFE, in which I felt utterly INVISIBLE.  And of course, there is also the fact that I now reside in the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth, a diocese with leadership that does not and has never supported women’s ordination, and which is in fact on its way out of the national church over this issue, among others.  All I can say to that is, ABOUT FRICKIN’ TIME.  No, I’m not even going to make a plea for reconciliation and understanding at this point.  I’d rather it all just be done with so we can get on with whatever comes next.

I haven’t filed for divorce yet.   The paperwork is all completed, but he won’t sign because he thinks there needs to be some language in there about how if I win the lottery or marry a rich guy, he gets to stop paying child support.  And now that I’m back home, frankly, I’ve kind of lost my sense of urgency about the whole thing.  I mean sure, I wish we could fast track this divorce and be done already, but I have what I wanted most: I’m HERE.  He had initially said he would not let me move until we filed.  I told him we weren’t filing until he got his head out of his ass about child support.  Then I told him when moving day was, and he didn’t do anything to stop it, so here we are. I’m not in any rush to get involved with anyone again, and I’m certainly never getting married again, so there’s no pressure on me.  It’ll happen when it happens.

I feel sad and hopeless a lot, and I cry myself to sleep most nights.  But it will get better.  I know it will.  It has to.

So now for a little Motley Crue…

“You know that I’ve seen too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin’ off the silver screen

My heart’s like an open book for the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I’m on my way, I’m on my way home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I’m on my way, just set me free
Home sweet home…”

pity party September 26, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in depression, Episcopal, ministry.

Perhaps it was unprofessional, but today I resigned from the parish vestry – by email.

I haven’t been to church since shortly after the separation, when the Ex decided he wasn’t going to attend our parish anymore.  It’s a small church.  People talk.  Actually, they don’t talk – they gossip.  But the long story short is, I’ve been desperately in need of some pastoral care, and I haven’t gotten jack crap.  Not a phone call or email from the rector, any member of the vestry, or my Benedictine study group.  I’m desperately bitter about it.  It’s a SMALL church.  It’s a SMALL town.  I don’t care how busy I am, I bend over backwards for people that I know are hurting.  I needed a little of that.  When I went into the office to change my address and phone number and explained what was going on, I got from the secretary, “If you need anything, let us know.”

No, I haven’t let them know.  I told them what was going on.  I stopped coming to church.  I stopped participating, because it was too painful without my whole, intact family there.  I stayed home and cried.  And nobody appears to have noticed that I am gone.

But the scary part is, I can’t really decide if I miss it or not.

August 12, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in depression, divorce, Episcopal.

I truly didn’t anticipate how painful it would be to lose my right to ask husband to explain his decisions…but this is what really hit home for me today.

My car is still in the shop – we are going on three weeks now without it. I don’t have the money for a rental, and so by necessity he continues to pick me up for church on Sunday, and I depend on a friend to get to work. This morning, he dropped me off, and when he didn’t get out of the truck, I asked him if he was coming in. He said he wasn’t – that he was going to go to the Methodist church down the street. I looked at him and started to ask why, but his jaw was jutted out and the look on his face was vaguely challenging, as though daring me to say something to him in front of the other church members who were walking past us and into the sanctuary. And so I took Boy-o out of the truck and went inside. When he picked us up afterward, he informed me that he was going to tell the rector that he would not be attending our parish anymore. Again, I desperately wanted to ask why, but I know it would lead to a pointless argument that I simply don’t have the energy for.

I was raised Roman Catholic. He was raised Methodist. The Episcopal Church was a natural compromise for us, and as I learned more about the theology, the history, the polity, and the practice of TEC, I began to conclude that I had really been Episcopalian my whole life and just not known it. We were received into the church together in 2003, 8 months after we were married. Joining this church was really our first act of marital unity, the thing that made us a family of our own, separate from the families that raised us. And now he has left it. One more piece of the foundation that made us a family has been chipped away. I haven’t been able to stop crying all day.

Can I please just go to sleep now and never wake up? I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Everything that gave my life meaning and solidity is slipping away, and I just can’t handle it…any…more. Everything that I thought I could count on forever is just…gone.

He has shaken the dust of our 6 years together from his feet SO EASILY. Why can’t I do the same?

i’ve been bidding on coldplay tickets… September 13, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, family, lyrics, music, weight loss, work.
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…on ebay for about 3 weeks now, and today i just gave up. as i stared in abject horror, my bid of $43.99 FOR LAWN SEATS was jacked up to $125 in the space of 5 minutes. so i gave up. i figured it was God’s way of telling me to save my dollars for depeche mode tickets. 🙂

truthfully, i’m not in a good mood. i had a horrid afternoon at work with an obviously unhappy individual. i came home, walked in the door, and no one noticed i was there. so, i went out and sat on the porch swing and felt sorry for myself. i tried to have a good cry about it, but i couldn’t summon up more than a few tears. what i really wanted was a good old-fashioned bawl session in the arms of someone who loves me. what i got instead was a blank stare and the demand to know what was wrong with me. i’m tired of having to verbalize my feelings. i don’t want to own my emotions. why can’t anyone say to me, “you look sad, is there anything i can do?” instead of “what’s wrong with YOU?”

furthermore, i was reading my blogroll, and i came across a comment from my sister-in-law that she was afraid to post since i discovered her blog. it hurt a little bit, because i discovered her by accident and then made a point of commenting – kind of my way of letting her know i would respect her privacy and was no threat. and yet, with no malicious intent, without realizing it and without meaning to, i invaded it anyway, because she is now afraid to post. it just kind of contributed to the overall sense of “i can’t do anything right.”

i also feel cruddy because i haven’t been eating right. it’s weird how i can notice a difference in the way i feel when i go overboard on sugar via cokes, cookies, and candy. i’ve been bingeing the last few days, and my body is yelling at me to quit it.

i’m trying to get excited about our upcoming weekend jaunt home for our old parish’s fall festival (what could be better than a trip home with no family obligations!), but i’m having a hard time. i feel hopeless, and intellectually, i know i’m in the grip of a depressive episode. i could probably stand to get back on some medication, but if i do that it will be yet another way in which i’ve failed to control myself.

jeez, this was a cheery post, wasn’t it?

“I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
this is the dawning of the rest of our lives on holiday…”
-Green Day

hello darkness my old friend… August 13, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in depression, family, life.
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she couldn’t have picked a household task that it would be possible for me to hate any more than dusting. for my own household i deliberately chose furniture that didn’t require this. it was my assigned chore as a kid and i will forever associate it with getting my head smacked into the end tables when my dusting didn’t pass the military white glove test. so everyone can just fucking excuse me if while i’m down on my hands and knees dusting the wood on the staircase i have tears running down my face. i’m just not in my happy place at that time, ok?

on a related subject, i want to puke every time i hear that man’s name. the man beat my husband to within an inch of his fucking life when he was a teenager, and i’m supposed to be pleased that he sent a gift to my sister-in-law? give me a damn break.

blessed are the peacemakers. i mean it, blessed are they. i’d love to be able to say that i want to forgive and just can’t, but it’s not that simple. for the moment, i like being pissed.

in general, i tend to be skeptical of doctors… July 7, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in depression, family, funny, health.
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…the medical establishment, and most types of medication. now, i’m not anti-medication, christian scientist, jehovah’s witness, or just plain stupid – merely skeptical. i have allergy-induced asthma, and i’m prone to bronchitis, pneumonia, and upper respiratory infections at certain times of the year. i’ve also done battle with clinical depression at various times. nor do i want any more children in the forseeable future. all of the above are, in my opinion, conditions that justify the use of medication – anti-histamines, steroids, anti-inflammatories, antibiotics, antidepressants/antianxiety medications, and contraceptives. however, since i am, as mentioned above, skeptical of the medical establishment, i thoroughly investigate all medications before agreeing to take them. i find out what their active ingredients are. i ask the doctors to explain to me how they are going to work, and why they are better than an alternative drug or no treatment at all. i consider myself to be a responsible and informed healthcare consumer, doing my part to hold down america’s astronomical healthcare costs. before i go any further, i want to make sure that i say i have done no research whatsoever to back up the opinion i am about to put forth. i have no sources to quote. i’m relying strictly on my common sense here, and my common sense tells me that it is primarily stupid people who are helping to drive up the costs of healthcare. people who run to the doctor with the attitude of, “don’t explain what’s wrong with me, just give me a pill to fix it”. people who don’t bother to get educated about how the pill they are swallowing works. people who think, “well, if it worked to fix this, then it must also work to fix THIS.” it’s already been established that the overuse of antibiotics has contributed to the emergence of antibiotic resistant bacteria. the same consumer mindset that has caused this development is also at least partially responsible for rising costs. i call it the “magic pill” attitude.

i have a gigantic mosquito bite on my ankle that has swelled up to the size of a pea and it itches, so last night i was looking around for some hydrocortisone cream to put on it. ok, i’m familiar with home remedies such as toothpaste, but i find hydrocortisone cream works best for me. my mother-in-law hands me the aloe vera from the fridge and says, “use this”. i turn the bottle around and read, “apply generously – aloe vera moisturizes, cools, and soothes dry skin and sunburns.” i look up and say, “this is for dry skin and sunburns, not insect bites.” she shrugs and says, “well, i use it for everything.” i say, “like the dad in “my big fat greek wedding” who uses windex for everything?” she says, “exactly!”

see? magic pill.

i understand that i can’t expect everyone to know the difference between ibuprofen, aceteminophen, and naproxen sodium. but if you’re taking them, you should at least know that they are pain and fever relievers. nor do i expect everyone to know the difference between loratadine and diphenhydramine, but if you’re taking them, you should know that both are antihistamines and antihistamines are for allergies. same thing with decongestants – you don’t take one of those for a runny nose, only a stuffy one. common sense. when my father-in-law complained of a headache and stuffy nose last weekend, she handed him the benadryl. i know i’m not off the mark here, because he looked at her like she was crazy and then got himself the tylenol sinus.

i wonder if she rubs aloe vera on her forehead when she has a headache…

“Love can make you weep, make you run for cover…" – Crowded House November 23, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in depression, marriage.

So, no posties for awhile. I guess you could say I’ve been a long, long way from my happy place, and I didn’t want to bring you all down there with me. Or as we say here, “all y’all”.

I’ve posted in the past about my own struggles with depression, and the tools I use to battle it. It ain’t easy, babe, but battle it I do. Visualization helps – imagining myself as a comic book-style heroine with a mask, cute little cape and winged boots slinging lightning bolts to and fro can work wonders for my immediate mood. Visualization doesn’t solve the underlying problem, true, but it helps a little. It has its place in my arsenal of weapons.

My husband suffers from depression. Yep, you smart cookie, you – you noticed the difference in my phrasing. I battle – he suffers. In his darkest times, he sinks to depths that I can’t even fathom. He doesn’t fight it – rather, he succumbs to it. His monsters – low self-esteem, financial worries, anxiety, fear, lack of trust – are eating him alive. And it is oh, so sad. Oh, God – sad doesn’t even start to cover it. Shit, the English language is failing me today.

And what I wish, more than anything in the whole wide world, is that I could give my husband an intravenous transfusion of whatever it is I have that keeps me going. I don’t care that he hates needles, or if the transfusion would have to come directly from my heart instead of a normal place like the arm or leg. I would so gladly hook up my heart to his heart, or my brain to his brain – it just doesn’t fucking matter. I would stare into his eyes and chant that I love him, that his infant son loves him, that his parents and grandfather and brother and sister and aunts and uncles and cousins all love him, that we are all there for him in every possible way that we can be.

But then, I say these things on a daily basis, and I’m not making a single, solitary dent. Where are my words going? Surely it’s not in one ear and out the other…surely they are sticking somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of my beloved’s brain. Oh God, they’ve got to be. Because if they’re not, then this man is going to kill himself, and leave all of us behind wondering what else we could have done.

the sky is a poisonous garden – concrete blonde August 15, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, friends, lyrics, moving, work.
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haven’t felt much like blogging lately. we haven’t even actually moved yet and i’m dead exhausted thinking about all the packing still left to do. we signed the lease on the new house saturday. it will be good to get out of this tiny apartment, but there’s too much to do, and not enough money and time to do it. i haven’t done anything at all about trying to find a new job closer to where we’re moving, and contemplating the one hour each way commute from new house to current job is one more thing that depresses me. i can’t find my sunny, optimistic self to save my life. i want to go to sleep and sleep forever. i don’t want to go back on meds, but i’m beginning to wonder if i have a choice in the matter. i know what’s happening here, and i know how it ends, and why would i want to travel that road again?

there is one good thing to write about – when packing up the big box of cassette tapes that was under the bed (yes, i still have tapes i can’t part with, and i’m not ashamed to admit it), i found my favorite long lost pair of earbud headphones. ok, it might not be any big deal to anyone else, but it is to me. i guess i must have oddly shaped ears or something, because regular ear buds won’t stay in my ears, but these are attached to the thingies that fit around the outside of your ears so they won’t fall out. the set was given to me (i think? maybe i borrowed them and never gave them back, i don’t remember) by a friend that was very dear to me, whom i no longer stay in touch with except by email a few times a year. so that’s one more thing to make me sad.

bwah. good night.

the stars above shine down below

the fever you hold on this night deathly cold

i can feel from this side of the door

i can feel eleanor

he said sun don’t rise

he said sun don’t shine

he said don’t bring tomorrow to justify tonight

the moon is full

the stars are bright

and the sky is a poisonous garden tonight