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I’m on my way, I’m on my waaaaaayyy home sweet home…. December 30, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, divorce, Episcopal, family, lyrics, ministry, moving.
3 comments

texasflag_fullquilt.jpg  So, I’m back.

Boy-o and I have officially taken up residence in adjacent second floor bedrooms of my parents’ house just north of Fort Worth.  This is not my childhood home…that was sold while I was in college, so I have never actually lived here before, only visited on school breaks, and for holidays and occasional weekends while I was married.

We’ve been here for almost a month now, sleeping on air mattresses, but my furniture was only moved from Oklahoma into a local storage unit last weekend.  About 5 minutes ago, I finished getting my computer set up and the wireless card installed so I can use the home network – yay for the Internets!

I’ve got a job already, working in medical records, or as it’s called now, “health information services”, at a local hospital.  This fits in well with my goal to go back to school in the near future for a degree in health information technology so I can be a medical records coder and you know, support myself and move out of this house. 🙂  I’ve got a post simmering away somewhere in the stew that is my brain about why what I perceived to be a vocation to the priesthood has been put way, way on a back burner.  Like on a stove in someone else’s house.  Suffice it to say that I have come to realize in the last few months that my search for God’s plan for me may not lie in ordained ministry after all, and that I latched on to it because it is the most highly VISIBLE way to serve, and I was in a marriage, indeed in a LIFE, in which I felt utterly INVISIBLE.  And of course, there is also the fact that I now reside in the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth, a diocese with leadership that does not and has never supported women’s ordination, and which is in fact on its way out of the national church over this issue, among others.  All I can say to that is, ABOUT FRICKIN’ TIME.  No, I’m not even going to make a plea for reconciliation and understanding at this point.  I’d rather it all just be done with so we can get on with whatever comes next.

I haven’t filed for divorce yet.   The paperwork is all completed, but he won’t sign because he thinks there needs to be some language in there about how if I win the lottery or marry a rich guy, he gets to stop paying child support.  And now that I’m back home, frankly, I’ve kind of lost my sense of urgency about the whole thing.  I mean sure, I wish we could fast track this divorce and be done already, but I have what I wanted most: I’m HERE.  He had initially said he would not let me move until we filed.  I told him we weren’t filing until he got his head out of his ass about child support.  Then I told him when moving day was, and he didn’t do anything to stop it, so here we are. I’m not in any rush to get involved with anyone again, and I’m certainly never getting married again, so there’s no pressure on me.  It’ll happen when it happens.

I feel sad and hopeless a lot, and I cry myself to sleep most nights.  But it will get better.  I know it will.  It has to.

So now for a little Motley Crue…

“You know that I’ve seen too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin’ off the silver screen

My heart’s like an open book for the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I’m on my way, I’m on my way home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I’m on my way, just set me free
Home sweet home…”

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October 7, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, family, friends, marriage, tattoos, The Princess, thoughtful.
6 comments

From the age of 15 on, I have always wanted to be married and to have a family of my very own. This has led me to make some pretty questionable relationship choices, and on two occasions now, to have children because I thought it would cement the relationship. Of course the pregnancy thing didn’t feel that calculated either time, but in hindsight, in both cases, it really was…in a subconscious way, of course.

What is it about my personality that wanted to be married, as opposed to just being in a long term, even lifelong committed relationship? I would look at couples that had been together for a long time without being married, and I would wonder how they knew they could trust each other, and how they knew one person wouldn’t just walk out. It seemed very unsafe to me, very scary.

My belief in marriage as an “exalted state” came partially from my religious upbringing (I was raised Catholic, and when I was taught about vocations I was taught that marriage was a vocation, just like a call to the religious life) and partially from my perception of my parents’ marriage. They had – HAVE – a partnership like no other I have ever seen. They are aware of and respect each others strengths, weaknesses, talents and flaws, and they work through disagreements instead of manipulating and sulking their way through them until there is a clear “winner”. I looked so highly upon marriage that when I first became aware of same-sex couples inability to get married, I immediately felt that it didn’t seem right. I didn’t have to think about whether their relationships were good or evil. All I knew – KNOW – is that two individuals’ commitment to each other seems TO ME to be a reflection of God’s commitment to us. When my mom says that she can’t support same-sex marriage because, to her, marriage is supposed to be “life-giving”, and homosexuals cannot biologically create life, to me that is the same as saying that infertile heterosexual couples are somehow “faulty”, or that couples who choose not to have children are not going along with the Creator’s plan. And I think God has proven to be perfectly capable of ensuring the survival of the human race without having to insist that any of us live lonely and solitary lives because we don’t fit a particular mold…especially considering God is the One who cast the molds to begin with!

So, moving along…this led me to the belief that any time and in any way people commit to each other, God is present in that commitment. Through that relationship, whatever form it takes, we are giving back to God what God has given us (“All things come of thee, O Lord, and of thine own have we given thee.”). This includes my 7 year friendship with the woman I call my best friend, a woman I expect nothing of other than to be who she is, even though who she is would drive me CRAZY if I had to live with her! Why is it that nothing she could do could ever make me put our friendship to bed, but romantic relationships are chock full of “deal breakers”?

This post came about because this past weekend, my parents and I signed papers to return legal custody of The Princess to me, and I jokingly said to them, “This is your way of ensuring I don’t get married again anytime soon, isn’t it?” and my mom replied, “Yes, actually we were thinking that.” I told them not to worry, and that I was actually thinking of tattooing a stop sign on my left ring finger! What I DIDN’T tell them…that I can’t even conceive of a future spent without a lifelong romantic partner, but that I honestly can’t imagine getting married again. My problem is that I can’t reconcile this feeling with my long held beliefs that two people who are that committed SHOULD get married, otherwise…what are they playing at?

I’m 32 years old. I took my first stab at creating my own family when I was 16, and my second stab at 26. Why has it taken half my life to learn that automatic trust and dependability aren’t included with the price of a marriage license?

home turf September 16, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in family, marriage, road trips.
3 comments

renaissanceworthingtonhotel259.jpg

Just got back from The Motherland, where I attended my cousin’s wedding at Big Fancy Downtown Hotel. The wedding was held outdoors on the terrace…it was a little hot, but fortunately the ceremony was blessedly short. In the days leading up to it, I was so excited to be getting to go to a dress up event! with grown ups! that I didn’t really stop to think how watching two people make those vows and speak those words, making that lifetime commitment would make me feel. I think what sent me over the edge was that my cousin, who was the groom, held it together completely cool-like until his bride appeared at the end of the aisle…and then he just lost it. This 29 year old man was crying like a baby, and you could see that they were such happy tears. He just laid his naked joy out there for everyone to see. The minister spoke to the couple of yielding themselves completely to each other, and I had to bow my head so it wouldn’t be obvious I was sobbing for myself and my loss, not for their joy. I felt churlish and mean.

tcu.jpg basshall1.jpg trinitypark.jpg

On the flip side, as we were driving to Big Fancy Downtown Hotel, I got an up close and personal look at the amazing amount of progress and growth in my home city. A new convention center and new hotels are going up near my favorite water sculpture garden, restaurants and bars and condos are springing up everywhere, and people were walking all over the place – yes, walking! Not driving! One of my favorite theaters has reopened and in all my focus on the ocean and the beach and how WRONG it is that I’m not going to get to move there RIGHT AWAY, I realized I had forgotten how much I love my very OWN city and all the parks and lovely neighborhoods downtown and around the University whose mascot is the horned frog. I had forgotten how much easier I breathe in these places that are familiar to me, and it was a gift to feel the ever present anxiety I am experiencing of late melt away, at least for a short time. So, I find that, in spite of myself, I am truly looking forward to going HOME.

inhale…exhale… August 1, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in Boy-o, divorce, faith, family.
5 comments

For the moment, I can breathe.

I finished separating our joint financial obligations today when I purchased my own car insurance and my own cell phone plan. Now that I don’t have to pay HIM for these things, I can breathe. I can sit back and wait for whatever is to happen next.

I’m free of this one tiny stressor, and I wonder why I always fought so hard against separating our finances before. I guess I felt that the idea of separate bank accounts and roommate-style splitting of the bills implied a lack of trust and a lack of partnership in what is supposed to be a holy joining. I wonder if we had done this years ago, if I had removed this one tiny thing that he was prone to freak out about, if it would have curbed or stopped his need to sexually act out…but I catch myself – there I go, holding myself responsible for his choices yet again. Perhaps the road would have been slightly smoother had we been more sensible about our financial arrangements…but he would have done what he’s done anyway. He just would have had a different so-called “reason”.

We were civil with each other on the phone today. He called twice to speak to our son, and once to speak to me about the car repairs. Arrangements were made, and we talked about the pros and cons of trying to do the divorce ourselves. We both began to cry and I ended the conversation quickly.

I sat on my bed and wondered why it is that I have been enjoying my freedom and my space as long as we were “separated”, but the minute that changed to “going to be divorced”, I wanted him next to me more than anything. But immediately, my thoughts turned to the numerous others times that I welcomed him back into my bed and back into my heart, and the numerous episodes of unfaithfulness and betrayal that followed. And though the sting of that seems far away *right now*…though I am mostly remembering how good it feels to be held by him when he feels like taking care of me, and having a harder time remembering the flickering hate-flames in his eyes when I confront him about inappropriate behavior…I haven’t forgotten entirely. I can’t afford to.

The thing I struggle with the most right now is wondering if the last 6 years of my life have been wasted. I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night, and I asked that very question. I was told that of course it hasn’t been, and that I was getting a “lovely parting gift” in the form of Boy-o. And while it might sound flippant, it’s true. Boy-o is the light of my life..my heart and soul, my laughter, my tears, the neatest kid ever to walk the earth, the giver of the best snuggles, and the most monstrously independent little cuss ever all at the same time. He carries most of my physical features, but his facial expressions when he is confused or frustrated are 150% his dad. I cry almost every time I get to thinking these thoughts about how lucky I am to have been trusted with his care and the task of raising him to manhood. I worry about whether he will learn everything he needs to know from us, his parents, and how our divorce will affect him, even though in all likelihood, he will not remember us ever having been married and living together as a family. And then I cry some more.

I honestly, honestly don’t feel as if I will ever have it in my heart again to trust someone on the level that I trusted him. That is not to say that I will never love again…I’m quite the romantic, you know…but trust? Enough to make another life-long commitment? I just don’t know. I may be a romantic, but I’m not a hopeless one who thinks that people in happy relationships never fight. But I don’t ever, ever again want to feel that dead, empty feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach when I looked him in the eyes and knew that I would never be able to trust him again, and that more importantly, I would never be able to trust him to have my best interests in mind, to love me “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25). I used BibleGateway.com to look up the citation on that, and found this just a few verses later: “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (verse 28)

Husband doesn’t love himself. Probably never has, if I’m going to be brutally honest, and the reasons for that are many and varied and not really pertinent to this post. Who among us hasn’t experienced a bit of unhealthy self-loathing? But if I’m to be honest, I have known husband, on occasion, to congratulate himself for a job well done. But when we would get to talking about the fundamental bits of personality that make us who we are, and when I would say that I like the fact that I am a planner about the things that matter, but still prone to spontaneity and that I LIKE that about myself, he could never come up with one single thing he liked about HIMSELF. And he could never come up with what he liked about me either, when asked. All he could say is that he loved me for me, because I loved him. And so in the end, I am forced to conclude that he really doesn’t have the ability to love me, until he learns to love himself. It’s not going to take 6 months of therapy and then *boom* total miraculous insight. I want it to happen for him, but I can’t lose any more of myself to try and MAKE it happen.

For the moment…I can breathe.

July 28, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in addiction, birthdays, family, food, marriage, separation.
6 comments

7-28-07.jpg This morning I made myself a birthday cake, complete with candles which I plan to blow out after singing “happy birthday” to myself. I also plan to cook a nice meal for myself: tomato-basil chicken and a salad, and maybe some pasta with olive oil and lemon. What do you think? I mean, my so-called “birthday lunch” with husband was a complete bust, and I figure I deserve something better. 🙂

I called our car insurance company this morning to get a new quote on my own policy, and I will be visiting a wireless phone service store this afternoon to obtain my own phone and plan. Once those are done, I will sit down and ask for a divorce.

The decision has been a painful one, and I honestly didn’t expect to reach it feeling as definite as I do less than a month into our separation. I really, really thought that I would take the entire 6 month period of my lease and give my husband ample opportunity to show me that he valued me and our marriage. And yet…and yet…

I have changed everything about myself for him. Some of those changes have been positive ones. While I have had many, many reasons to be angry with him over the years, I haven’t always handled my anger in the right way. I’ve thrown things and slapped him and been a right proper bitch at times. And I have been sorry afterward. I have never once felt entitled to display violent behavior, and I have experienced genuine remorse, and I have changed my behavior. And some of the changes have been very, very negative ones. I sacrificed my self-respect in favor of peace. I believed that staying in this marriage and being supportive was holy, and right, and good. I covered up the parts of my personality that made me funky and fun around my in-laws…for example, the first weekend I went to go meet them, I changed my hair color from cherry bomb red to a mousy brown on husband’s request. And the greatest sin of all – I sacrificed relationships with people I love and need to have in my life because my non-traditional family configuration made them uncomfortable. They never said these things, mind you. That’s the problem – they never SAY anything. But it was obvious nonetheless in tiny grimaces, uncomfortable looks, and dead silence when I would say anything that they disagreed with. They might as well have had a big cartoon-type word bubble above their heads that said “SINNER!” Whereas in my family, everyone says, “Oh, THAT’S complete bullshit! Where’d you get that dumb idea? Now, what do you want for dinner?”

I think the straw that has broken the camel’s back is the current situation with my car. As I posted, my car broke down while husband was driving it home from work. We had switched cars because mine gets better gas mileage and he has to travel further. I made it crystal clear that if I agreed to do this, he was responsible for any repairs. The repairs are going to come to $2600 for a refurbished engine and labor (don’t ask me, the car drove FINE when I had it). He says he doesn’t have it. I told him to handle it and get me my car back, or to give me the truck to drive. He said he can’t give me the truck because he has to get to and from work. I said so do I. He said, “You’re going to be mad at me no matter what I do anyway.” He also said that I needed to quit being such a bitch or he would just have the car towed to my driveway and I could worry about it. I said this wasn’t acceptable, and that he had agreed to take care of anything that happened while he was behind the wheel. He said he will, but he won’t have the money until the end of September. I said I can’t be without my car for that long. He said he would give me rides, and I could find rides to and from work with friends. And that quick, the lightbulb came on over my head. Once again, he has placed me in a situation where he is attempting to isolate me and make me dependent upon him, all while making it look like that it’s just a case of shitty things keep happening to us. Every situation that has drawn me further and further away from my home, my family, and my friends has been somehow related to his addiction and his acting out. The fact that I have ZERO savings after almost 5 years of marriage to him, when I had a pretty considerable nest egg for emergencies and my future graduate education set aside prior to the marriage, is a big, big problem to me.

No remorse. No responsibility. Only blame, shame, excuses, and a total lack of respect for my feelings and my boundaries. And I simply can’t do it anymore…nor do I any longer think it is the right and holy thing to do or that God intends me to stay with and support this man for the rest of my life, while losing MYSELF in the process.

I got a neat, neat comment from someone on the other site:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Angel},

How very sad for you and for your son. My heart longs to find words which will heal and sooth your pain, which feels all too familiar to my soul. Sadly, there are no magic healing words, your heart and soul must come to their own peace in your life’s journey with our Lord.

I pray that you consider for the sake of your son, and especially for your own sake, filing for and following through with a divorce as soon as possible; and getting counseling for yourself alone. You will not be able to begin your journey toward health and wholeness until you begin to free yourself from your husband’s evil. I pray from my heart that you will do this soon. I pray for you from my own journey from sorrow and suffering, in a marriage to another pastor who had serial affairs with women in his congregations, to a sense of wholeness and hope for new life, fifteen years after my divorce.

The day I was able to confirm my then husband’s actual acts of clergy sexual misconduct is the day I kicked him out. The next day I changed the locks, and the following day I was filing for divorce before noon. Not because I didn’t love him, Lord knows I did, deeply and with all that I was, but because even more deeply I could feel my own soul dying. The unique and beautiful soul God created and knew in my mother’s womb was being destroyed by trying to make sense of a world where evil was good (a marriage which was killing me by dishonoring me and what I knew to be right) and where good (nurturing and honoring the gift of my own unique soul first with God) seemed evil. As important as love and marriage and family and children are, please remember the great commandment to love God with all your heart and mind and soul. You cannot do this if you are bound up in your husband’s evil. It clouds your vision of God, of your self and of your son.

It is not just addiction which drives men like these. They have what some call negative empathy, an ability to use their understanding of other’s emotions to manipulate for their own ends. This is a life long personality pattern. It can be a manifestation of any one of a number of personality disorders. It can not be fixed by love or couples counseling, indeed these types of interventions only gives him more ammunition to use against you. Even an AA type program cannot get to the core of the problem. Remember the success rate for AA is only about 20%, the watchword there is the AA-ism, “The program works if you work it.” Your husband, over many, many years has shown no willingness to “work it.” Angel, you on the other hand can work toward a new and fulfilling life for both you and your son. I pray that God’s hand leads you on a journey which brings you new life and hope and peace.

God’s very best for you, Dorothy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amen. And thank you Dorothy. I needed that. I tried to click on your link to see if you had a site, but the link was broken. So God bless you, dear, and thank you again and again.

July 26, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in addiction, birthdays, blogging, family, food, marriage, separation.
1 comment so far

My car broke down yesterday while my husband was driving it, and now it is in the shop. So, husband drove me to and from work today. Beforehand, he spent the day pacing around my living room making phone calls to the mechanic, the car rental company, his employer, etc. And all I could think, over and over and over again was, “I wish he would go away.” I stayed in my bedroom for the many hours he was here, just because being in the same room as him makes me so desperately unhappy.

This disturbs me. So, my birthday, in spite of the many birthday greetings, e-cards, and well wishes from my family members and my friends inside the computer and out (though not a single peep out of my in-laws, who keep saying they still love me…strange, huh?) was not really a happy one.

When I went to see MB last weekend, I tried to explain to her (without sounding like a complete fruitcake) that the very act of making plans to move out, and then the act of actually doing so, took SO MUCH psychic energy, that right now I don’t have anything left to actually do any of the “work” on this marriage that I keep saying I want to do. I had to dig very, very deep down into myself to do this, and part of the reason it was so hard was that every time I have been betrayed by his lack of fidelity and another relapse, I had forgiven him WITHOUT requiring follow-up action (I supposedly required it, but I didn’t leave when he refused, so…draw your own conclusions)…and with that act I chipped away at my self-respect, little by little. The parts of me that knew I deserved better began to shrivel up and die, one by one.

I asked husband after he had made yet another lap around the living room (he can’t sit still when talking on the phone, he paces) if he could watch Boy-o while I ran to McDonald’s to treat myself to a Value Meal cheeseburger for my birthday. He said, “I was going to take you somewhere better.” I said, “Oh, that’s nice of you. Okay, thanks.” I went back to my room and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, I looked at the clock and saw I had to be to work in an hour and a half, so I went back out and asked if he was going to take me somewhere, or if I needed to go get myself lunch, since I needed to be taken to work. He looked at me blankly and then said, “Okay, let’s go.” He took me to my favorite local Mexican restaurant (they don’t know how to do Mexican food up right in this state, but this place is an exception), but he didn’t speak to me the entire meal. I thanked him for lunch, tried to engage him in conversation about things, made fun of the Tejano music over the loudspeaker, and generally tried to be witty and entertaining. He was silent the whole meal, and most of the time he had his face buried in his hands. I have no clue why someone would offer to take someone out to lunch and then be uncommunicative the whole meal. I tried to figure out of it was the whole separation issue, or if he was upset about the car, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he has always been this way. If it’s not one thing he’s worried about, it’s another, and I have never been, and will never be able to make it all better for him, no matter how smart or cool I am.

He absolutely will not respect my boundaries. I’ve asked him to please knock or ring the doorbell when he comes over to my house, but he continues to walk in if the door is unlocked. I’ve asked him not to call me “babe” or “baby”, but he won’t stop. I am so angry because it seems as if he just wants to pretend that none of this is happening. Which is exactly what he learned growing up, I suppose. “If I don’t acknowledge it, it’s not real” seems to be the MO over there.

My mom called me to see how I was doing, and I told her that husband had been pacing around and what I had been thinking while he did so, and that this was leading me to believe that I just need to go ahead and file for divorce and get it over with, because at this point, after this many years and this many betrayals, I don’t know if I will be willing to ever take the risk of trusting him again, even if he DOES decide he wants to recover from his addiction. And no marriage can exist without trust. She asked me if I still loved him…and I couldn’t answer. All I can think is that…for the past 6 years I have created this fake story in my mind about how wonderful our life together was, and I had mostly talked myself into believing it. My brain is screaming, “OF COURSE you love him! Don’t be an idiot!” And the part that knows better says, “Well, he did give you a beautiful son. And you have had some good times together. But maybe what you love is what he meant to you at one time, and not who he IS.”

More later, after I process some more.

I’ve never blogged anonymously before… July 25, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, chaos, family.
2 comments

…that is, without leaving links to myself all over the Internet (well, how else do you get READERS, hello?!), and of course, I’ve never hidden my name and location before, either. So, that’s really a way to say that, there have been many things over the years that I have not been free to rant about, because family was reading, and one must be delicate in these situations. Anyway, I spent about an hour today searching for this blog using a couple different search engines and plugging in my real name and location, the names of my family members, certain themes I blogged about frequently, and some of my interests. All I came up with was the old site, and there are no links that I can discern between that one and this one. I have told everyone who wants to read this one that they will have to email me to get the URL, ‘cos I’m not even gonna put it in a comment where it might be clicked through to by someone searching profiles, know what I mean?

For example, you may not know that I cuss. A lot. And my son has picked up on some of my choicer phrases, so I really need to start watching that, I suppose. I’ve never been much of a cusser in writing, though. Still, I have to say…MY YOUNGEST SISTER-IN-LAW HAS BECOME A HEINOUS, SNOTTY LITTLE BITCH!!!!

Whew. That looks kinda weird. But it’s totally true. My husband called me as I was leaving work to let me know that my car had suddenly, mysteriously died while he was driving home from work, and that it had happened in an area with no cell service, so he had to walk a few miles to get a signal before he could do anything. He’s driving my car because he drives an hour and a half to and from work each day, and my car is a little Japanese econobox that gets good gas mileage. Her name is Zuki. 🙂 I’m driving his truck because the gas mileage isn’t as good, but I don’t ever have to leave our very small town, as I work 7 miles from my front door. Anyway, he called to say that he was driving along when he heard a noise that went “click” and then the car just died. When he finally got where he had enough signal to make a call, he called a tow truck, which he had to wait almost two hours for and which charged him $120 bucks to get the car back to our town. Yikes! So, the tow truck driver got him back to town, where he called his little sister and asked her to come get him so he could pick our son up from day care. He hung out at her house until I got off work and could take him home. He asked his sister if he could borrow her car for one day, since she and her husband have two cars AND live less than a quarter mile (walking distance) from sister’s school and work. She hems and haws, says she has to go inside and discuss it with her husband, and then when MY husband goes to check and see what is taking them so long to decide, he walks in on little sister on the phone with their parents, telling them what is going on. She then hangs up the phone and says, “Dad says I shouldn’t let you borrow the car because you’re not on the insurance.” So my husband tells her never mind and I drive him home, telling him I will come pick him up for his doctor’s appointment in the morning.

During the drive, I’m stewing…really, really stewing. My husband has just had the car break down and has had to walk close to three miles and wait two hours and pay $120 bucks for a tow. And his sister won’t let him borrow her car for one day. It’s utter bullshit. And it’s starting to change my opinion of this girl. I met her when she was 15 and still in high school, and I was always very impressed with her intelligence and by all the ways she seemed different from the rest of my in-laws, but the more I ponder on it, the more it begins to appear that she has become just like the rest of that uncommunicative, passive-aggressive crew. She’s become a little clone of my evil mother-in-law, who will say one thing to your face, but another behind your back. Just in case anyone doesn’t know, it was a post from my sister-in-law on the other site that led me to move my blog, a post in which she accused me of lying to her, conspiring to take my son away from her family, and then blaming it on her parents and attempting to make it look like THEY were saying these things while SHE was just trying to defend me. Complete, utter crap. Really. And I hate to sound like I’m blaming, but yeah, I’m blaming. What’s happening here is she’s creating a situation where, even if my husband and I can work some things out, I’m not going to want to reconcile because of his family and the horrid things they have said, done, and not apologized for…things like my mother-in-law’s comment back in 2002 when husband and I were planning the wedding: “Now, I have to ask you honey, you’re not planning on wearing white, are you?” I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. It was my first marriage. Yes, I had a daughter from a previous relationship, but what was this, 1950? So I said, “Ummm, yeah, actually I am.” And then I justified my decision to her, when I should have just said, “Not only am I wearing white…I’m wearing SNOWY, VIRGINAL white, you heifer!”

Oh, and just to confirm my suspicions and give myself a reality check about whether or not this is REALLY worth being mad about, I shot off a text message to both of my siblings to ask, if we lived in the same town and my car was in the shop for a day, could I borrow one of their cars, even though I wasn’t on the insurance?  Both immediately said, “No problem, of course”, though my sister did say I couldn’t drive her husband’s company car, just hers!

my husband’s Aunt Dee Dee suffered a massive stroke… July 28, 2006

Posted by introspectreangel in family, life.
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…a few days ago, and she is upstairs being watched over lovingly by our many family members. i work in the records department of the local hospital, so i’m able to pop my head in from time to time to see how everyone is holding up. Aunt Dee has been going downhill for awhile now, and this is her second large stroke in the last two months. she’s comatose and unresponsive, and there is a living will and a DNR (do not resucitate) in place, so the hospital is only providing supportive care in the form of IV fluids and suction for her congestion. she’s also on a low dose of morphine, so we’re fairly certain she’s not in any pain.

i haven’t had the opportunity to know this woman very well, but husband is extremely close to her daughter and granddaughter and i have gotten to know them well through him. the three of them all work for the state social services department, and so they have lots and lots to talk about when they get together. when i went up to the room last night after i got off work, everyone just looked so weary. i felt at a loss for words – i wanted to be able to make their pain go away, and i knew i couldn’t. my son provided a momentary distraction for them, because they wanted to hold him and say hello, but he just wanted to hang close to mommy and daddy after a long day at day care. he warmed up though when they offered him food, and everyone got to laugh for a bit, so i was glad that was able to happen.

“Almighty God, look on your servant Dee Dee, lying in great weakness, and comfort her with the promise of life everlasting, given in the resurrection of your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

Oh, I’m so tired… June 5, 2006

Posted by introspectreangel in birthdays, family, life, worship.
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I tossed and turned last night thinking of all the many things I have to get done before we leave for vacation on Friday. This spring, like most springs of my adult life, has been incredibly full to bursting with familial obligations. This year they mostly centered around my little sister’s wedding, which went off last weekend. Showers were thrown, luncheons were had, music was selected, fingers were *snapped*, eyes were narrowed in displeasure, keys to the getaway vehicle were locked inside it, and the happy couple made it to their honeymoon destination in California intact. Now it’s my family’s turn. We’ll be off to A-Kon in Dallas, followed by 5 days in the Texas Hill Country around Austin, with a side trip to Sea World in San Antonio for the boy. OK, let’s get real: Sea World is for me, but I think Gabe will have a good time, too!

When we get back, we have husband’s family pool party and an engagement party to attend, my daughter’s visit with us to plan, and my birthday to acknowledge. Also a swing set, sandbox, and wading pool to buy. Also a mind to lose. And ummm…uhhhh…yeah, I think that’s it.

So, I think it’s fair to say that I *really* needed the reminder of Pentecost. Granted, I didn’t get to derive much inspiration from Father M.’s sermon yesterday, mostly because I was too busy building a Jenga-style tower of Prayer Books and hymnals with my monster and trying to keep him from noticing that Daddy was up front in the choir loft and therefore NOT in the back and playing with him! But the very act of putting on our red clothing was meaningful, and looking around the church at the sea of red made me smile. I thought of the day I was received into the church 3 years ago, and Boy-o’s baptism 2 years ago, and our move to this state 1 year ago: all three of these events took place at Pentecost. I thought of all the ways, ordinary and extraordinary, in which I have had “Pentecost moments” where the Spirit has moved in my own life and the lives of those I love. And I was so incredibly grateful for every single one of them – and every single one of you out there who read this. Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

triangular communication May 11, 2006

Posted by introspectreangel in family, life.
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My little sister’s wedding is now two weeks and 2 days away. It’s the home stretch. Things are down to the wire. And so our mom called me tonight and asked me in so many words to PLEASE speak with my sister and tell her that “I” – as in me, Angel – hate “The Wedding March” and could she please choose something else for her processional, and to please do it quickly so we can get the programs printed? And when I’m finished, can I please call her back and tell her what my sister said?

🙂

So, I call my sister. The first question out of her mouth is, “Did Mom ask you to call me?” “No,” I told her, “she ordered me to. She also said to tell you that if you march up the aisle to “Here Comes the Bride” that our great-grandmother will be rolling over in her grave, because we are “lace-curtain Irish”, not “shanty Irish.” At which point I then told Mom that she has been reading too many Andrew Greeley novels, and that the shanty Irish have more fun. However, I did agree to call you because I DO hate “Here Comes the Bride”, but if you like it, you like it, and it’s your wedding!” It turns out she’s not committed to that particular choice, but doesn’t know any others, and this church (ELCA), unlike the one I was married in (Roman Catholic) , didn’t give her a neat little book of music for weddings to look through. I marched up the aisle to Jeremiah Clarke’s “Trumpet Voluntary”, but I’ve always had a taste for the regal. For my camping, hiking, mountain-climbing sister, I recommended Bach’s “Arioso”…or John Lennon’s “Grow Old Along With Me”.