jump to navigation

I’m on my way, I’m on my waaaaaayyy home sweet home…. December 30, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, divorce, Episcopal, family, lyrics, ministry, moving.

texasflag_fullquilt.jpg  So, I’m back.

Boy-o and I have officially taken up residence in adjacent second floor bedrooms of my parents’ house just north of Fort Worth.  This is not my childhood home…that was sold while I was in college, so I have never actually lived here before, only visited on school breaks, and for holidays and occasional weekends while I was married.

We’ve been here for almost a month now, sleeping on air mattresses, but my furniture was only moved from Oklahoma into a local storage unit last weekend.  About 5 minutes ago, I finished getting my computer set up and the wireless card installed so I can use the home network – yay for the Internets!

I’ve got a job already, working in medical records, or as it’s called now, “health information services”, at a local hospital.  This fits in well with my goal to go back to school in the near future for a degree in health information technology so I can be a medical records coder and you know, support myself and move out of this house. 🙂  I’ve got a post simmering away somewhere in the stew that is my brain about why what I perceived to be a vocation to the priesthood has been put way, way on a back burner.  Like on a stove in someone else’s house.  Suffice it to say that I have come to realize in the last few months that my search for God’s plan for me may not lie in ordained ministry after all, and that I latched on to it because it is the most highly VISIBLE way to serve, and I was in a marriage, indeed in a LIFE, in which I felt utterly INVISIBLE.  And of course, there is also the fact that I now reside in the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth, a diocese with leadership that does not and has never supported women’s ordination, and which is in fact on its way out of the national church over this issue, among others.  All I can say to that is, ABOUT FRICKIN’ TIME.  No, I’m not even going to make a plea for reconciliation and understanding at this point.  I’d rather it all just be done with so we can get on with whatever comes next.

I haven’t filed for divorce yet.   The paperwork is all completed, but he won’t sign because he thinks there needs to be some language in there about how if I win the lottery or marry a rich guy, he gets to stop paying child support.  And now that I’m back home, frankly, I’ve kind of lost my sense of urgency about the whole thing.  I mean sure, I wish we could fast track this divorce and be done already, but I have what I wanted most: I’m HERE.  He had initially said he would not let me move until we filed.  I told him we weren’t filing until he got his head out of his ass about child support.  Then I told him when moving day was, and he didn’t do anything to stop it, so here we are. I’m not in any rush to get involved with anyone again, and I’m certainly never getting married again, so there’s no pressure on me.  It’ll happen when it happens.

I feel sad and hopeless a lot, and I cry myself to sleep most nights.  But it will get better.  I know it will.  It has to.

So now for a little Motley Crue…

“You know that I’ve seen too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin’ off the silver screen

My heart’s like an open book for the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I’m on my way, I’m on my way home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I’m on my way, just set me free
Home sweet home…”


October 21, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in moving, sickness.

 I’m beginning to wonder if calling in sick on Tuesday when I was only “sort of sick” from a cough and general lethargy (but more truthfully wanted to spend a day with Boy-o) isn’t going to come back haunt me. I thoroughly enjoyed our day, and returned to business as usual on Wednesday, but as you can see from the previous post, I was called to come pick Boy-o up from day care because he had strep throat. The strep put him out of commission Thursday and Friday, which meant I couldn’t return to work. When I went to the office on Thursday to hand in my doctor’s note saying such, I was told it was an unexcused absence. I asked why, and the director of HR told me he appreciated me bringing the doctor’s note, but as I have not been there long enough to have accrued any sick time, the absence is unexcused.

My regular days off are Friday and Saturday. I might have worked them to make up for the loss of time Tuesday, half of Wednesday, and Thursday, but even though (thanks to the miracle of antibiotics and state-sponsored health insurance for children of low income families) Boy-o was on the mend, I was getting worse. I spent my days off in bed, and called in sick this morning again. I have burning pain deep in my chest, I’m wheezing uncontrollably, and I have pulled muscles in my back and side from coughing so hard. I no longer think the cough is due to quitting smoking…the symptoms are definitely that of a lung infection, but as I have no health insurance, my only option is the emergency room, and I can’t get myself to go there and saddle myself with a bill for hundreds of dollars for a lousy cough that won’t go away.

So, I’m thinking that I hope I don’t lose my job. 3 and one half days out of work due to illness doesn’t sound like much in the grand scheme (especially considering I have yet to miss a single hour for anything since I started there in July), but with this company I have the feeling that when I get back tomorrow, I’m probably going to be receiving either some type of written warning or, in the worst case scenario, a termination, considering I wasn’t willing to go to the emergency room to prove that my illness is sufficiently severe. And while there is a backup plan, it’s not ideal – if I lose my job, I’ll go ahead and break my lease and move home to Texas, 2 months earlier than planned.

UPDATE: Almost immediately after posting the above, I crawled to the bathroom in the midst of another coughing fit.  I had it in my head that running some hot water and giving myself a steam treatment might help, except I should have known better because steam treatments are for croup and congestion-based coughs, not asthma attacks, which is plainly what I’ve been in the middle of for the last several days.  As I was running the water, I became incredibly dizzy and began seeing double.  At this point I decided that, heinous bill or not, I had better get to the ER or I was going to pass out.

A brief explanation of how I got to this point:  I have asthma.  I’ve had it my whole life.  Since the invention of the inhaled steroid Advair, however, I have not needed breathing treatments, rescue inhalers, or seasonal ER visits.  Advair is a very expensive drug – a one month supply is almost $200 retail.  I was paying $65 a month for it when I had insurance, but then I lost my job in June, and with it my insurance.   I’ve been feeling okay – a little short of breath, but then last week it started getting cold in the mornings, and I could feel my chest starting to tighten.  I stopped smoking at that point, thinking I could reverse what was about to happen, but no dice. (Please don’t lecture me about how insane it is to smoke with asthma.  I know this.  And I take full responsibility for what has happened as a result.  But I can tell you it would have happened anyway,  smoking or not.)

I drove myself, since it’s a small town and the hospital is close.  When I got there, I told them (in between coughs) that I was having an asthma attack, that I have had asthma my whole life and just needed a breathing treatment and a prescription for steroids and an inhaler, and then they could let me go home and treat someone else who was really sick.  I was asked if I had insurance.  I answered in the negative.  So they wrote “self pay” in my chart, and proceeded to do a host of things that will ensure my bill tops out at over $1,000.  On the other hand, though, my O2 saturation was at 87% when they hooked me up, and I have never, ever seen it that low before.  I was given oxygen, IV antibiotics, steroids, and a sedative (that part was nice…I like Ativan).  I was given 2 breathing treatments and a chest x-ray, and they took 5 tubes of blood for some unknown reason.  I was also given prescriptions for more steroids and a rescue inhaler, as well as a prescription for Advair that I hope to be able to afford to fill sometime next month.  But my breathing is peaceful at last for the first time in almost 2 weeks, and I will be able to sleep tonight for the first time in several days.

You’ve gotta know when to hold ’em… September 6, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in Boy-o, divorce, moving.

So, I folded. As I knew I would have to in the end.

When I first mentioned the idea of moving to City on the Coast to my ex, I had the vague idea of leaving Boy-o with him for a little while. I knew he could take care of him…he may have been a shitty husband to me, but nobody who knows us can deny the depth of his love for our son. At this time, his cheating behavior does not place Boy-o at risk, as it all took place on the telephone and on the Internet. For the time being, he has resumed attending 12 step meetings and discussions with his sponsor. This divorce is going forward for the simple reason that I don’t intend to put myself through the wringer when he falls off the wagon again, as addicts always do. Additionally, he is not willing to commit to ceasing all contact with the members of a certain gaming group who exacerbate and encourage him in his sexual addiction. I will never be able to trust him with my heart again, and I’m simply not brave enough (or dumb enough) to try. But after I told him that was what I was thinking, I spent the next week sobbing myself to sleep every night, and I realized I simply cannot leave Boy-o. So I informed my ex I was still moving to City on the Coast, but I was taking Boy-o with me, which led to the current predicament.

But, I have to think logically here. As a caseworker, I stood in front of the judge often enough to become somewhat familiar with the basis of a judicial decision in a custody case. Morals, unfortunately, do not typically enter into the equation. Safety and stability are primary. And I know that my ex can provide both those things to our son. Should his sexual acting out behaviors escalate to a new level at some point in the future (as addictive behaviors typically do), say, he begins to go through a string of promiscuous relationships and our son is being exposed to this, or he is being taken to unsafe places, then I would have to rethink what I’m saying here, but for now, my ex goes to work, goes to class, goes to meetings, and does not have Internet access at home. When my ex and Boy-o are together, they stay at home, or go grocery shopping, or rent movies, or do yard work. Normal, safe, stuff. And in front of a judge, I wouldn’t have a prayer of being able to argue for sole custody or for the right to move almost 600 miles away when my ex is obviously an interested parent. Nor do I want to deprive our son of his father’s presence, as long as he is being safe. I WANT Boy-o to know that his dad loves him and that his mom loves him and that for his good, we worked it out.

Compromise involves both parties getting something, and both parties giving something. My ex wants us to stay here in this small town where I have no feasible opportunities to go to school or improve my ability to earn a living in a reasonable amount of time, i.e. two years. He wans to continue to have daily or near daily contact with our son. I want to move 9 hours away to City on the Coast in my home state, where I can be near my beloved ocean, and I am willing to provide visitation twice a month. There’s a wide gap there, but I think we’ve managed to breach it.

Instead, I am going to move back to City I Grew Up In. That place is only 2 and a half hours from here, not 9, like City on the Coast. My ex does not get to force me to stay in this place where I am miserable, and I don’t get to go exactly where I want. I will attend a similar health information management program at the local community college there, and I should graduate and earn my medical coding certifications right around the time that my ex finishes his master’s degree here…about two years from this coming January. If we’re still managing to be as decent and civil with each other at that point as we are being now (and I hope we are, because everyone who has been through this tells me it gets better with time, not worse, and I think we’re doing pretty good right now), then we will both move south – me to City on the Coast, him to larger Capital City about 3 hours away. We figure 3 hours is a manageable distance to continue joint custody and cooperative efforts in our parenting of Boy-o, especially as we have both told each other we are always willing to drive halfway to meet each other for the necessary handoffs.

So, that’s the tentative plan. Yes, I know it can change. Yes, I know the whole truce could melt down at any point if we don’t work to actively maintain it. What can I do but deal with that when and if it happens?

The truly scary part to me is this: I’m going to move into my parents’ house, in an effort to save money. They’re gonna charge me rent, but not as much as an apartment. Now granted, they are not there very much – my dad lives and works in another state (his job was transferred, and they didn’t want to sell their house, since he’s retiring in just a few years), and my mom visits him frequently. The Princess either goes with her, or may be going somewhere else soon (that’s another story). I’d have two bedrooms and a bathroom on the second floor, plus the upstairs living area, and access to the kitchen and the pool. But it’s still MY PARENT’S HOUSE. And I am 32 YEARS OLD. YIKES. I like doing things my way. My mom likes doing them hers. I know for a fact it won’t be anything like when the ex and Boy-o and I stayed with his folks when we first moved to this state…no expectations to eat dinner together every night, no feeling of being under constant surveillance…in theory, I know all I have to do is pay my rent, be considerate, and keep stuff cleaned up, and we’ll be good. But it’s still weird and scary.

new town October 28, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in life, moving.

well, i now live in a small town of about 2600 people… the nearest mall is almost an hour away. i go to friday night high school football games (go wolves!). there’s not a movie theater, a nightclub, a starbucks, or a best buy ANYWHERE in sight.

and i’ve never been happier in my life.

the last 10 days… October 1, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in life, moving.
1 comment so far

…have been incredibly eventful, but i don’t really want to write more until some things are settled. remember all that moaning i was doing about the town where we lived with husband’s parents, and how small and boring it is? well, we’ve moved somewhere even smaller – a town of about 2600 people, home of a local park/recreation area with camping and waterfalls that draws people from all over the place. we’re staying with husband’s grandpa at his ranch – me, living on a ranch, can you imagine?! – and looking for a house to rent in town. when that gets accomplished (hopefully hand in hand with a high speed internet connection), i’ll post more.

it’s beautiful. i love it. i now think my problem with the other place was not the lack of excitement, but the fact that it’s well…kinda ugly. this new place is a tiny little town in the mountains. ok, they don’t compete with the rockies or even the appalachians, but they’re pretty impressive for these parts. 🙂

i called my dad a few days to ago… June 21, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in family, lyrics, moving.
add a comment

…to wish him a happy father’s day and find out what he had been doing that day, and he informed me that they had been house hunting.

house hunting??!

once i get the financial stability to actually BUY a home, i’m NEVER moving again. i’m not kidding. naturally, this line of thinking led me to use a ridiculously complicated algorithm to determine how many places i have called home since i moved out of my parents’ home 10 years ago, and here are the results:

  • 4 different dorm rooms in 2 and a half years (angel + roommate = chaos)
  • in my car and with friends and in a variety of skanky hotel rooms on my Canadian adventure
  • 7 different apartments in 6 years
  • the duplex for almost a year
  • and most recently, in true “generation x” style, the home of husband’s parents.i mentioned to my dad jokingly that he and mom were just looking for someplace smaller so we didn’t move in with THEM next. i was a bit nonplussed when he said, “well, actually – that’s right.”hmph.


    in other news, i am pleased to confirm that i do indeed have an ethical bone in my body. i was accepted into the sales training program for a company called American Income Life. i was given a sales pitch to memorize and told i had two days to have it down cold. when i sat down with said pitch, i realized that i was going to be posing as a union member to try and sell insurance to real union members. i have no issues with organized labor in general, but i do have a problem with pretending to be something i’m not. i always check company web sites out before i go on an interview and i was a little perturbed that the company itself seemingly had a large presence on the net, but it was a whole lot of non-information. tomorrow i have another interview with Zee Medical Systems. it’s attractive, because they provide the vehicle. even though it is a van.

    other than that, i have no new tale to tell.

    “…my world is your world, people like to hear their names, i’m no exception, please call my name…”


    Posted by introspectreangel in moving.
    1 comment so far

    student loans: approximately $12,000
    old credit card bills that we stopped paying on to save for our wedding three years ago: approximately $20,000
    old unpaid utility bills: $1300
    unpaid traffic tickets: $800
    unpaid medical bills: $2500
    number of jobs worked between the two of us in the four years we’ve been together: 8
    number of times we’ve moved: 4

    having amazing parents in-law who will take you, your husband, and your baby in when you have HAD IT and think you’re going to lose your mind for not being able to keep up with the big city rat race for one second longer: priceless.

    thus, we bring you the Getting Our Shit Together World Tour, Day 1 – live from the in-laws’ residence in a brand new state where I did NOT grow up and am thus terrified of.  first item on the agenda: unpacking and laundry. baby steps first, angel, baby steps first. (*deep breath*)

    ah, i feel like a real… September 23, 2004

    Posted by introspectreangel in moving.
    add a comment

    …honest-to-goodness human being again! now usually, a statement of this type indicates that someone has just taken a shower after hard physical labor, or they’ve eaten a filling meal, but i’ve done neither of those things. well, not since this morning anyway. no, i feel like a human being because two long, long weeks after we officially moved, i FINALLY have cable internet again (it took that freaking long to get a technician out here)! so pish posh on the technophobic notion that the internet would eventually lead to a progressively more isolated society. in two weeks i’ve talked to no one except my husband, neighbors, and coworkers. lovely people all, and i do mean that from the bottom of my heart. but i missed all my instant messenger and message board friends, people who faces i’ve never seen and may never see for that matter, but who are no less “real” to me than the guy who waved to me while walking his dog down our street last night (my neighbors wave – even though they don’t know me – amazing!). have i mentioned how happy i am to be out of our apartment? 🙂

    it’s been forever since i posted… September 13, 2004

    Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, moving, work.
    1 comment so far

    …but nothing exciting has happened, so that’s ok. we finally finished moving and unpacking, and the new house is wonderful. the neighborhood is so quiet. you never realize how much noise is associated with apartment living until you get out! just the simple sounds of people walking by your window – gone! and the best part – not having to walk the dog. yessssss! the commute is a complete bitch – 45 minutes in the morning and and hour and a half in the afternoon, but that’s the only negative. i can deal with it until something else closer by comes through. and it will. oh yes indeed, it will – i have faith.

    i’ll try and write more later, but right now i have some serious blog-reading to catch up on. what a fantastic time waster!

    happy sunday! August 22, 2004

    Posted by introspectreangel in life, movies, moving.

    today is for complete relaxation. yesterday was for appliance-shopping drudgery and tomorrow is for packing-more-boxes unpleasantness, but today is for lunch out in a real restaurant with waiters, a movie, the fancy specialty food market, and maybe some swimming if the sun comes out. oh, and maybe we’ll run by the bookstore, too. i need to pick up some sort of “gardening for dummies” book since once we get moved into our new house with an actual yard i fully intend to wear funny hats and grow tomatoes and cucumbers. can’t you just picture it?

    what should we see? “napoleon dynamite”, “garden state”, or “open water”?