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November 6, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in Boy-o, divorce, reading.
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Bad scene tonight. Bad. As in fought-in-front-of-Boy-o-bad.

*sigh*

My ex and I had our first little snark-fest in quite a while when I went over to his house tonight to drop off Boy-o. It was the first time I have been on his turf since he moved in back in August (he always comes to get Boy-o from my house), so I probably should have seen it coming. When he picks Boy-o up, I don’t really let him inside my house, or if I do, I stand there at the door to make sure he doesn’t feel welcome to sit down and make himself at home. When we first separated, he actually did the “knock on the door and let himself in” thing, and I had to draw boundaries pretty damn quick and let him know that was NOT acceptable and that he could wait for me to answer the door. Anyways, I took Boy-o to him tonight because I needed to return the power-of-attorney I had to have notarized so he can refinance the truck in his name, and also because he had the two boxes of Christmas decorations and I needed to get my Advent wreath and a few other things. So he stood and watched me as I picked through the boxes and asked if I could have this ornament or that knick knack. It went okay up to that point…I just wanted to get it done and get OUT of there. I was on the way out the door with my box when I noticed my Harp Lager sign hanging on the wall, and while I don’t consider myself to be materialistic, this was a sign that I hunted down on eBay and really, really wanted back. I also noticed a bunch of his VHS tapes were mine from before we married, so I said, “I’ll trade you those tapes for the Harp sign.” He flew into a snit and said, “I was the one who had to spend 3 weeks cleaning out our house and getting moved because I couldn’t afford it after YOU left, so I don’t think so, I think I’m just going to be keeping it.” I fired back with, “I moved out because YOU cheated. I could clean you out of your material possessions if I took the time to walk through this house and point out the things that were mine before we married, the things that were gifts from my parents, and the things I bought for us with my money, but I don’t have any desire to be petty. I just want my sign.” He returned the serve with, “Oh, as usual it’s all MY fault?” And I said, “In this case, yes, it is.” He then screamed, “Take it, then!”, which set Boy-o to crying and PISSED. ME. OFF, because we had been talking in a regular tone of voice up to that point. Pissed me off so much that on the way out the door I took not only my sign, but the food processor, the garden statues, and some books, too. Boy-o has gotten very used to being handed off now and hasn’t blinked an eye about it in months, but tonight, he wouldn’t stop crying when I kissed him and said I had to go and I’d see him tomorrow. Made me feel like a VERY BAD MOMMY.
JACK ASS. That’s all I can say. Why the hell did I ever marry him?

Oh, right. Lonely. Shit, remind me never to do THAT again. Better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. Sheesh.

I should get my check from the State for my measly contribution to my pension during the 8 months I was employed by them sometimes in the next two weeks, and then, since the truck is no longer a joint possession, I am ordering the do-it-yourself divorce papers from the online legal service. Goal is to have them completed and filed before the end of the month, and then I can fulfill the mandatory 90 day waiting period after I move back to Texas. We may possibly be in the home stretch here, guys. Possibly.

I just finished Leaving Church, by Barbara Brown Taylor. I have a lot of pondering to do over this book, and it will definitely bear repeated readings. Some of you may remember that when I first started blogging, I was exploring the idea that my vocation was to the priesthood. These last few months have left me feeling so thoroughly flattened, so completely unworthy…no, UNABLE, to sing psalms or do any more intense praying than Boy-o’s “Now I lay me down to sleep” at bedtime that I have practically forgotten what it felt like to have a sense of my place in creation and a feeling that I was traveling towards what was always meant for me. I derailed…jumped the track I don’t go to church. I haven’t opened my prayer book in months. I have felt at odds with and abandoned by my former congregation and rector since the separation. So this book was a bit of a balm on all the open wounds, the wounds that come from my sense of failure at my inability to make my marriage work, my hopelessness that the pain will never end, and my fear that I will never discover what I am supposed to be doing for God. I’m a little more aware that I need to be conscious of this pain and conscious of this fear, and somewhere in this mess I will find God’s way for me – as long as I keep looking.

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sick day October 16, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in Boy-o, reading, thoughtful.
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I haven’t been feeling 100% for about the last week (I’ve had a cough I can’t shake, probably due to trying to kick the cigarettes yet again), so this morning I called in sick to work. I’m not sick enough to be bedridden, but all that endless explaining on the phone to lousy people who think it’s my fault their mobile is shut off just didn’t sound like too much fun today! Instead, I’ve been laying around reading Shel Silverstein’s “Where the Sidewalk Ends” to Boy-o.

WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we’ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know,
The place where the sidewalk ends.

It’s always nice when you get the quiz result you want without *too* much fiddling with the answers. ;) July 29, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogthings, reading.
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You’re The Mists of Avalon!
by Marion Zimmer Bradley

You’re obsessed with Camelot in all its forms, from Arthurian legend to the Kennedy administration. Your favorite movie from childhood was “The Sword in the Stone”. But more than tales of wizardry and Cuban missiles, you’ve focused on women. You know that they truly hold all the power. You always wished you could meet Jackie Kennedy.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

reading February 1, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in reading, thoughtful.
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“It was a long season of mourning, and there were times when I wondered if I should mourn all my life and never again be free of it; but at last I could remember without weeping, and recall the days of love without unending sorrow welling up like tears from the depth of my very being. There is no sorrow like the memory of love and the knowledge that it is gone forever; even in dreams I never saw again his face, and though I longed for it, I came at last to see that it was just as well, lest I live all the rest of my life in dreams…but at last there came a day when I could look back and know that the time for mourning was ended; my lover and my child were on the other shore, and even if I should somehow meet them beyond the gates of death, none of us would ever know…but I lived, and I was in Avalon, and it was my task now to be Lady there.”

The Mists of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer Bradley

meditation January 1, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in prayer, reading, thoughtful.
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The world gives itself
up to incessant activity
merely because
it knows of nothing
better.
The inspired man
works among
its whirring wheels
also, but he knows
whither the wheels
are going.
For he has found
the centre
where all is
stillness…

-Paul Brunton

From Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings from the Northumbria Community

madness… July 18, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in reading.
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“hi, this is angel. i’m sorry i can’t take your call right now. i’m currently at the hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. i will return when i find out who the half blood prince is. so don’t be cute and try to ruin it for me. leave your name, number, and a brief message and i will return your call as soon as possible. if i manage to snag a Time Turner from the Ministry of Magic, you may never even notice my absence! thanks, and have a wonderful day!”

what i’m thinking about today… July 14, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in faith, reading, theology.
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i had been reading “the gospel of q” about the source material for the gospels of matthew and luke, commonly known as “q”, and i was struggling with the writer’s “tone”, as it were. i have never been afraid to expose myself to new theologies – i don’t believe i can accept or reject a theory unless i’ve looked into it. but the tone of this book was extremely dismissive of anyone who disagreed with the many 20th century new testament scholars’ work into the historical Jesus, i.e. anyone who believed that the miracles and the resurrection actually occurred. the book invites the reader to decide whether Jesus was an ethical preacher or an apocalyptic prophet, and presents evidence for both arguments. however, i had to step back and take a break from reading it. it was bothersome to me, because i believe Jesus was so much more than either of those – he is the messiah. i hope i will go back to it, but in the meantime, i have found “the Jesus myth”, by andrew greeley, the catholic priest and sociologist. it’s an older book (1971), and father greeley states:

“To say the Jesus is a religious myth or symbol, albeit the most important religious symbol in the Western world, is not to deny Him reality. There is nothing more real than men’s symbols and myths. To say that Jesus is a symbol does not say that His life and message are legend. Quite the contrary, it is the very core of the myth of Jesus that His life and message were real historical phenomena; phenomena which, even though we perceive them through the theological understanding of the primitive church, still have powerful historical value in the strict sense of the word.”

he goes on to discuss that today we realize that the symbolism of primitive Christianity is primarily Jewish, and that the amazing thing is not really the so-called similarities between early Christianity and the pagan religions and hellenistic mystery cults (which scholars have used to discount the miracles and the resurrection), but the differences. he writes that Jesus was a man whose message was “irrelevant” – as much out of harmony with His own time as it is with ours today. not “irrelevant” as in “unimportant”, but “irrelevant” as in “so out of step with the mainstream that He had to be murdered”, and “irrelevant” as in “not adjusted to the fashionable ideological currents of our day”. and we all know this: feeding the hungry, visiting the sick and imprisoned, clothing the naked, and loving our neighbors even as we ourselves are loved is definitely not fashionable. Jesus went about providing answers to the questions no one was asking and refused to answer the questions everyone thought important. He resolutely refused to permit himself to be part of any of the principal religious or political currents of His environment. in this way He was “irrelevant”.

i swear, sometimes i wish i just watched soap operas.

I’ve recently been reading… March 5, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in faith, politics, reading.
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“God’s Politics – Why the Right Gets it Wrong and the Left Doesn’t Get It”, by Jim Wallis. Wallis is the founder of Sojourners, a network of progressive Christians working for peace, and he has some very eye-opening remarks on hope vs. cynicism. He writes,

“First, let’s be fair to the cynics. Cynicism is the place of retreat for the smart, critical, dissenting, and formerly idealistic people who are now trying to protect themselves. They are not naive. They tend to see things as they are, they know what is wrong, and they are generally opposed to what they see. These are not the people who view the world through rose-colored glasses, the ones who tend to trust authority or who decide to live in denial. They know what is going on, and at one point, they might even have tried for a time to change it. But they didn’t succeed; things got worse, and they got weary. Their activism, and the commitments and hopes that implied, made them feel vulnerable. So they retreated to cynicism as the refuge from commitment.

Cynicism does protect you in many ways. It protects you from seeming foolish to believe that things could and will change. It protects you from disappointment. It protects you from insecurity because now you are free to pursue your own security instead of sacrificing it for a social engagement that won’t work anyway.

Ultimately, cynicism protects you from commitment. If things are not really going to change, why try so hard to make a difference? Why become and stay so involved? Why take the risks, make the sacrifices, open yourself to the vulnerabilities? And if you have middle-class economic security (as many cynics do), things don’t have to change for you to remain secure. That is not intended to sound harsh, just realistic. Cynics are finally free just to look after themselves.

Perhaps the only people who view the world realistically are the cynics and the saints. Everybody else may be living in some kind of denial about what is really going on and how things really are. And the only difference between the cynics and the saints is the presence, power, and possibility of hope. And that, indeed, is a spiritual and religious issue. More than just a moral issue, hope is a spiritual and even religious choice. Hope is not a feeling; it is a decision. And the decision for hope is based on what you believe at the deepest levels – what your most basic convictions are about the world and what the future holds – all based on your faith. You choose hope, not as a naive wish, but as a choice, with your eyes wide open to the reality of the world – just like the cynics who have not made the decision for hope.”

“Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing: now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” (Isaiah 43:18-19)

“And the one who was seated on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new.” (Revelation 21:5)

eleanor rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been… February 1, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in reading, thoughtful.
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“so you don’t believe in infinity?”

“what a funny question. no. infinity is a mathematical parlour trick. it didn’t even exist until recently.”

road trip July 19, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in Episcopal, faith, friends, lyrics, marriage, music, reading, road trips.
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what a weekend.

we made sure everything was packed on thursday evening as soon as we got home from work, and then went straight to bed at 8 pm, planning to get up at 3 am and hit the road. instead, we lay in bed, staring at the ceiling fan, completely unable to fall asleep, for the simple reason that we were trying to. so, we talked for a little bit, and i got up and watched some tv, and finally at 2 am i hopped in the shower and got ready to go. we got the baby up, set him in his carseat, and took off. i drove, since i was more awake.

we crossed the state line about an hour after we set out, and the sky was just starting to lose some of its inky quality and take on more of a midnight blue. we stopped for gasoline and coffee at the superette convenience tore in some small town. i was waited on by a girl who couldn’t have been more than 17 years old. she was mopping the floor when i walked into the store, and the loudspeaker was blaring eminem. it was weird – she turned around to face me when she heard the bell jangle over the door, and she had a vaguely challenging look on her face – it was a very hard look, though like i said, she couldn’t have been more than 17. i smiled at her, and oddly enough, she blushed and ran to turn down the music – like i was her mom and had just caught her doing something she shouldn’t have been. i told her the music was fine, paid for the coffee and snacks, thanked her, and left. husband took over the driving so i could feed the youngster.

we merged onto the interstate not too long after that. the sky was gray by now – the only vehicles on the road were truckers and farmers. we came over a hill and suddenly the amazing lake was all around us. beautiful! but truly, i was holding out for the mountains. since the baby now had a full tummy, i resumed my place behind the wheel and took us into the next state. we moved from the interstate onto the north loop that would take us up into the mountains and to our eventual destination.

what took us there was the very nice, very low-key wedding of our friends ally and bobby. we knew they had a lot to get done, so we arranged to arrive early friday morning so we could help them get their house ready for their bachelor party that night. to that end, we spend the morning and afternoon moving their things from the garage into a storage unit, then we had lunch, and then we rested before going out to dinner with the happy couple, their baby, and some other friends. by this time, other people were starting to arrive in town and show up at the house, so everyone met there and a nice, laid back little party got started, complete with video games, conversation, and a few bottles of wine.

the next day we had planned to go out on our own and see some of the town, maybe go to devil’s den state park or do some sightseeing and souvenir buying until the wedding that evening, but those plans went by the wayside when bobby called us around noon asking when we were coming over to the house. turned out they needed more help getting ready for that evening. husband and bobby ended up taking more stuff to storage, while i made the wedding cake (red velvet with cream cheese frosting, yum) and cleaned up the living room. finally, we made it back to our hotel room with barely enough time to get ready for the ceremony and drive to the park where it was being held. the weather was perfect for an outdoor wedding – sun shining, but not too hot – and it was truly a joy to see this couple who have encountered their share of obstacles (some self-imposed, others not) join together as husband and wife, and to know that they will face all their triumphs and tribulations together.

unfortunately, we didn’t get to enjoy the reception because my dearly beloved got sick! so, we went back to the hotel, ordered pizza, watched “13 going on 30” on the pay-per-view, and got some desperately needed sleep. in the morning, we went to services at the local episcopal church. it was much smaller than our own parish and it was a rite 1 service, which we weren’t used to, but they had pretty stained glass and the priest stopped in the middle of the altar procession to bless the baby as he passed us. pretty neat. 🙂

i don’t blog about my faith that often (but i’m about to now, so stop reading if it’s not your cup of tea!), because i believe that in this day and age when evangelical christians and “mega-churches”are getting most of the media attention, the body of Christ still has a need for people who live their faith quietly. but that simple action on the part of the priest reminded me of everything i love about being episcopalian. i love that my church seeks and serves christ in all people. the following is taken from “the ethos of the episcopal church”.

“…as Episcopalians we are known for our tolerance and our willingness to embrace paradox. Episcopalians trust that the truth of God embraces and transcends all of the partial truths that our limited human minds can grasp. We accept that there is divine mystery at the heart of life, but we believe that mystery can best be known through love, particularly the love revealed in Jesus Christ. Ours is not a gospel of fear and guilt, of moralism or threats of hell. We see Jesus as the incarnation of God who loves and delights in humanity. God becomes one with us. We celebrate a God who has created every human being in God’s own image. We seek to call forth the fullness of that divine image in every person through the disciplines of Christian life. God wants us to become the loving, trusting, giving people God has created us to be. Repentance, conversion, and growth are daily events. It is a life-long process to become holy, to become fully human. We believe that the process of growing into our full humanity is best done in community. Together we pray, worship, study the scriptures, and explore the richness of twenty-one centuries of Christian experience.

Theologian Thomas Hooker described Anglican authority as a three-strand cord, not easily broken: Scripture, Tradition, and Reason.

The Episcopal Church honors the Bible as the first witness to God, containing “All things necessary to salvation.” It is the love story of God’s relationship with God’s people. We respect its complexity and its origins in the communities and histories of our ancestors. We look to the Bible as the written source of our revelation of God.

We also honor the experience of God throughout the history of humanity, and especially among faithful Christians for these two-thousand years. We look to the tradition, teaching, and experience of the whole church as a manifestation of God’s revelation. The ancient Creeds are alive and well in the Episcopal Church.

We believe God created human beings with an innate capacity to know God. We honor the God-given faculties of reason, intuition, intellect, and emotion. We believe that human experience is one of the ways God communicates and reveals God’s intentions for us.

Our worship is centered in the celebration of the last gift Christ gave us, the gift of his presence and life through the shared communion of bread and wine. This powerful ritual renews and strengthens us. We believe that in this shared holy meal, we are fed by Christ and united in his life.”

anyways, to wrap up the story of my weekend, after church we had a delicious lunch with the bride and groom in which i worked valiantly at avoiding any political or religious discussion – they are both activists in both areas! – all the while reminding myself that you can love and care for people who have different viewpoints from your own. God’s creation is big enough for all of us! we finally got on the road back to our home state, taking the scenic route down through the mountains. when we stopped for gasoline again, i was scanning the radio stations and managed to find some pretty irish folk songs. when my dearly beloved came back to the car from paying, he shook his head in disgust and commented that i was the only person on planet earth who could find irish folk songs on the radio in the mountains. he’s probably right. heheheheheh.

to kill some of the boredom of scanning more radio stations, i picked up reading aloud where we had left off with anne rice’s “the witching hour” over a year ago. finally finished that one and got started on the next book in the series, “lasher”. we arrived home exhausted with only enough energy to climb out of the car and grab what we would need to get ready for work in the morning.

my little girl

drive anywhere

do what you want

i don’t care

tonight

i’m in the hands of fate

i hand myself

over on a plate

now

oh little girl

there are times when i feel

i’d rather not be

the one behind the wheel

come

pull my strings

watch me move

i do anything

please

sweet little girl

i prefer

you behind the wheel

and me the passenger

drive

i’m yours to keep

do what you want

i’m going cheap

tonight

you’re behind the wheel tonight