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week 4 November 27, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in weight loss.
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Forgot my weekly update on Sunday!

down 1.6 lbs, total: 9.2 lbs.

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Today is my 31st birthday… July 26, 2006

Posted by introspectreangel in birthdays, Episcopal, weight loss.
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…and to start this new decade off with a bang, I’m thinking about presents. I’ve received several in the form of encouraging words in the comments to my post about falling off the weight loss wagon, and those were the best because they prompted me to stand up, dust myself off, and hitch a ride on the next one that passed. I like this new wagon a lot better. In addition to a high speed Internets connection (essential, we all know!), it has a library, exotic belly dancers, tons of comfy and colorful pillows, trained dolphins, a masseur at my beck and call, and a machine that spits out an unlimited number of exciting and innovative healthy recipes that use only the ingredients I already have in my cupboards and don’t require me to shop for anything! MUCH better than that old wagon with its worn out papasan chair and stacks of old Reader’s Digest magazines in the corner. Nothing against papasans and Readers’ Digest – I have loved them both in my time, and when I first got on that wagon, I thought I was in heaven with nothing to do but sit and read all day! But let’s face it – those chairs are so hard to get out of, it can be easier to stay put. And let’s just say that repeated readings of the old Reader’s Digest “Drama in Real Life” feature made me a bit ummm…histrionic. 🙂 I guess in the long run, it could be a good thing that I fell off. I’ll just have to wait and see, won’t I?

Will asked me where I wanted to go eat for my birthday, and after lining up his sister and her husband as babysitters for the day, we spent some time scouring the websites of the restaurants in the touristy area of the capital city to the north. It’s a neat area with a little canal, and some of the restaurants have waterside dining. There’s also a big new movie theater within walking distance of everything, and as those of you who are parents can attest, movies + a toddler = no go. I’m aware that “dinner and a movie” isn’t the most creative thing on the dating spectrum, but get this – we’re gonna see TWO movies!! Whatcha think about that, huh?

In other news, I prepared my request to the Presiding Bishop’s office in New York for tickets to the investiture of Bishop Katharine Jefferts-Schori in November, at the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. The Epsicopal News Service says that the requests cannot be postmarked any earlier than August 15, but I want to be ready! They also say that requests will be honored first-come-first served based on the date the request was mailed, not when it is received. I guess that’s their way of saying, “don’t waste your money on overnighting it.” The minute I heard of the election, I knew I would have to do everything in my power to get myself to the investiture. It is, after all, an historic event. Even if we turn around 9 years from now and elect another woman as PB, she won’t be the first. So, I’ve already requested the time off from work and made hotel reservations. A little compulsive, perhaps, but organized. Yes. Definitely organized.

I am an awful, horrible, selfish, petty jerk. July 23, 2006

Posted by introspectreangel in weight loss.
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This story is by no means a unique one.

I’ve been “chubby” almost all of my life, but as I moved from adolescence to adulthood (chronologically, anyway), “chubby” became “overweight”, and then “morbidly obese”. I love food. I love meals out, and entertaining with food in my home, and Mexican food and Italian food are particular weaknesses of mine. Six months ago, I joined Weight Watchers. Since then, by using all the awesome tools they provide and exercising every weekday, I’ve lost a total of 57 pounds. I weigh in every week, and I’ve only had a gain one week out of 26 – the week when I went on vacation and refused to pay attention to what I ate. I think Weight Watchers is pretty simple: drink your water, eat your fruits and veggies, snack sensibly and often so you don’t get too hungry, and most importantly, watch your portion sizes. These last two areas are where I’ve made the most progress, and the ever decreasing numbers on the scale have been my reward.

My 31st birthday is this week, and I was bound and determined to lose 3 more pounds so I could say I had lost 60 pounds by my birthday. As a prize, I was going to make husband take me out for Italian. But, I began celebrating the big day a week early, with a pint of dutch chocolate ice cream. I haven’t eaten regular full fat ice cream in months. It was really tasty. So the next morning for breakfast, I ate chocolate chip cookies instead of yogurt and a banana. The next day, I had Burger King for lunch, the night after that I had several glasses of wine over a game of Risk as I laughed with some new friends, and finally, this morning, I had a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit and a chocolate milkshake for breakfast and then went out to dinner with my sister-in-law and another friend and her kids. There I proceeded to eat a large appetizer plus an enormous plate of pasta, chicken, and garlic bread. As a result, when I finally got brave enough to step on the bathroom scale this evening, I had gained 5 pounds in less than a week. I burst into tears.

My husband tried to talk to me about it, but he is thoroughly puzzled by my explanation that all that eating was my reward for how good I had been doing. I told him I felt I deserved a break, and that I felt that I was somehow better than all my co-workers who started WW with me in January and dropped out by February. I like making them jealous the morning after weigh-in, and I like telling them how many clothing sizes I have lost. Understand that I try not to volunteer this information, I wait until I’m asked – but the weight loss is quite noticeable now, and I get asked a lot. I’ve succumbed to the sin of pride, and now it has come back to bite me.

Have I worked so hard for nothing? In the beginning, my motivation for losing the weight was pure: for health reasons, and so I can keep up with my ever more active toddler son. Somewhere along the way, I got all twisted up in everyone saying how proud they were of me. I enjoyed buying smaller clothes. I began to preen. I felt bulletproof. That pint of ice cream wasn’t going to kill me. Neither was the burger and fries and milkshake. I deserved them, after all.

So what the heck do I do now? I know I have to get up tomorrow morning and go back to the yogurt and banana for breakfast and the sensible lunches and dinners and the power walking. But I don’t know how I’m going to manage it. I really don’t. I don’t think I can do it. Especially come Tuesday, which is weigh-in day, when I will have to step on that scale in front of my group and acknowledge that this is what thinking you’re better than others gets you.

i’ve been bidding on coldplay tickets… September 13, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, family, lyrics, music, weight loss, work.
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…on ebay for about 3 weeks now, and today i just gave up. as i stared in abject horror, my bid of $43.99 FOR LAWN SEATS was jacked up to $125 in the space of 5 minutes. so i gave up. i figured it was God’s way of telling me to save my dollars for depeche mode tickets. 🙂

truthfully, i’m not in a good mood. i had a horrid afternoon at work with an obviously unhappy individual. i came home, walked in the door, and no one noticed i was there. so, i went out and sat on the porch swing and felt sorry for myself. i tried to have a good cry about it, but i couldn’t summon up more than a few tears. what i really wanted was a good old-fashioned bawl session in the arms of someone who loves me. what i got instead was a blank stare and the demand to know what was wrong with me. i’m tired of having to verbalize my feelings. i don’t want to own my emotions. why can’t anyone say to me, “you look sad, is there anything i can do?” instead of “what’s wrong with YOU?”

furthermore, i was reading my blogroll, and i came across a comment from my sister-in-law that she was afraid to post since i discovered her blog. it hurt a little bit, because i discovered her by accident and then made a point of commenting – kind of my way of letting her know i would respect her privacy and was no threat. and yet, with no malicious intent, without realizing it and without meaning to, i invaded it anyway, because she is now afraid to post. it just kind of contributed to the overall sense of “i can’t do anything right.”

i also feel cruddy because i haven’t been eating right. it’s weird how i can notice a difference in the way i feel when i go overboard on sugar via cokes, cookies, and candy. i’ve been bingeing the last few days, and my body is yelling at me to quit it.

i’m trying to get excited about our upcoming weekend jaunt home for our old parish’s fall festival (what could be better than a trip home with no family obligations!), but i’m having a hard time. i feel hopeless, and intellectually, i know i’m in the grip of a depressive episode. i could probably stand to get back on some medication, but if i do that it will be yet another way in which i’ve failed to control myself.

jeez, this was a cheery post, wasn’t it?

“I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
this is the dawning of the rest of our lives on holiday…”
-Green Day

so, i joined the ymca… July 30, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in weight loss.
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…and i’ve been swimming laps every day. it is absolutely beyond me as to why a kid hanging on the rope that separates the lap lane from the rest of the pool gets an ear splitting whistle blow and the immediate attention of the lifeguard, but the same kid scooting under the lane rope and swimming right on top of my head gets no attention whatsoever. when i was a kid, there was a “one person per lap lane” rule at the y. there was also a policy that the lap lanes were for lap swimmers, not kids dicking around with noodles and volleyballs. does this no longer apply? they have 3/4 of the pool. surely i can have a lap lane to myself for 30 minutes. i mean, really.