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January 5, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging.
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I resurrected my photo blog project of last year. I did really well with it from January until the middle of July when things went loony, and I missed doing it, so I’ve started over this year. The pictures are all taken with my camera phone, so no promises as to quality! But if you’re so inclined, you can check it out and leave comments here.

1997 January 2, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in The Princess.
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It was so strange, you often slept with your

eyes open, whites rolled back into your head and it

was eerie but I knew, deep down, I KNEW that

you were fighting fiercely to stay awake but I

didn’t know if that meant you were afraid of the

monsters that had a nasty habit of interrupting

your sleep or was it more benign, perhaps, flesh

of my flesh that you are, so in love with life and worried

about what you might miss?  And so I left you to

your fitful dreams, hoping that others could

mend the girl I had so thoughtlessly…broken.

I’m on my way, I’m on my waaaaaayyy home sweet home…. December 30, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, divorce, Episcopal, family, lyrics, ministry, moving.
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texasflag_fullquilt.jpg  So, I’m back.

Boy-o and I have officially taken up residence in adjacent second floor bedrooms of my parents’ house just north of Fort Worth.  This is not my childhood home…that was sold while I was in college, so I have never actually lived here before, only visited on school breaks, and for holidays and occasional weekends while I was married.

We’ve been here for almost a month now, sleeping on air mattresses, but my furniture was only moved from Oklahoma into a local storage unit last weekend.  About 5 minutes ago, I finished getting my computer set up and the wireless card installed so I can use the home network – yay for the Internets!

I’ve got a job already, working in medical records, or as it’s called now, “health information services”, at a local hospital.  This fits in well with my goal to go back to school in the near future for a degree in health information technology so I can be a medical records coder and you know, support myself and move out of this house. 🙂  I’ve got a post simmering away somewhere in the stew that is my brain about why what I perceived to be a vocation to the priesthood has been put way, way on a back burner.  Like on a stove in someone else’s house.  Suffice it to say that I have come to realize in the last few months that my search for God’s plan for me may not lie in ordained ministry after all, and that I latched on to it because it is the most highly VISIBLE way to serve, and I was in a marriage, indeed in a LIFE, in which I felt utterly INVISIBLE.  And of course, there is also the fact that I now reside in the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth, a diocese with leadership that does not and has never supported women’s ordination, and which is in fact on its way out of the national church over this issue, among others.  All I can say to that is, ABOUT FRICKIN’ TIME.  No, I’m not even going to make a plea for reconciliation and understanding at this point.  I’d rather it all just be done with so we can get on with whatever comes next.

I haven’t filed for divorce yet.   The paperwork is all completed, but he won’t sign because he thinks there needs to be some language in there about how if I win the lottery or marry a rich guy, he gets to stop paying child support.  And now that I’m back home, frankly, I’ve kind of lost my sense of urgency about the whole thing.  I mean sure, I wish we could fast track this divorce and be done already, but I have what I wanted most: I’m HERE.  He had initially said he would not let me move until we filed.  I told him we weren’t filing until he got his head out of his ass about child support.  Then I told him when moving day was, and he didn’t do anything to stop it, so here we are. I’m not in any rush to get involved with anyone again, and I’m certainly never getting married again, so there’s no pressure on me.  It’ll happen when it happens.

I feel sad and hopeless a lot, and I cry myself to sleep most nights.  But it will get better.  I know it will.  It has to.

So now for a little Motley Crue…

“You know that I’ve seen too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin’ off the silver screen

My heart’s like an open book for the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I’m on my way, I’m on my way home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I’m on my way, just set me free
Home sweet home…”

December 3, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in Episcopal, faith, friends.
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The Episcopal Diocese of Washington has put up its 2007 online Advent calendar here.

I had a conversation with a friend last night that really forced me into some uncomfortable realizations regarding my beliefs about money and consumerism, savings and debt, and relationships and philanthropy. I got a bit defensive, and I woke up a few hours later desperately in need of some perspective. This essay gave me just that.

God, grant me the serenity to engage in conversation with people whose belief systems I think are completely out of WHACK!

November 29, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, divorce.
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Moving day is upon me very, very soon. I thought I would be ecstatic, but I am having a lot of irrational mood swings about it, and last night I think I was finally able to pinpoint why.

It’s not like I have lived here for a long time or have extensive memories associated with these four walls and this roof. I moved in here a mere 6 months ago when I separated from my husband. My dad, sister, and brother-in-law brought their pickup truck and a borrowed trailer and helped me make my escape one Saturday morning right after my husband left for work. The whole time I was throwing stuff madly into my car and the two other vehicles I was crying. I could barely see. I attempted to help move furniture but was so dizzy with fear at what I was doing that I kept dropping my end of stuff, and finally my dad and brother-in-law gave up and did it themselves.

This is the letter I left:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 7, 2007

Dear W,

I’ve decided, and you probably won’t disagree, that we need to separate for the time being.

I have taken only clothing and the furniture items I brought into our marriage. With the exception of a few kitchen appliances and the desktop computer, I have left everything that we acquired together.

I have signed a 6 month lease on a place in town. I have taken my cell phone, but left what I believe is fair payment for this month’s bill. I do not feel it necessary to pay for any of your long distance charges, since you incurred them while violating your marriage vows and being unfaithful to me.

I do not intend to file for divorce at this time. It is my genuine prayer that you will address your unfaithfulness to me and realize this is not an appropriate way for a 33 year old married man and father to behave. I also pray that you will stop blaming everyone else for the way you choose to behave. I love you very much and want to reconcile with you, but I can no longer continue to stand by and watch you inflict harm on yourself. It is too painful for me, when I want to do everything I know how to do to stop it, to save you, and I can’t…because ultimately your behavior has nothing to do with me. Regardless of the excuses you make to yourself, you have not cheated because I worked nights and you were lonely, or because I lost my temper and smacked you, or because I went out and spent $20 on dinner with a friend. You cheat because you have a deep seated character defect that causes you to think you are above things like honesty with and fidelity to your wife, a flaw that allows your to rationalize everything you do, no matter who you hurt in the process.

I would like to come to an agreement with you about Boy-o. I have no desire to keep your son from you, and it would be my preference that we can work out a joint custody agreement that allows him to spend equal time with both of us.

Call me when you’re ready.

I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am happy to be returning to my home state, but I am crying because, when I wrote that letter, I only intended to move out of this house to reunite my family. Instead of me, and our life, and our dreams, and our hopes, he chose…friends. Friends that he sees a few times a year at gaming conventions, and he chose these friends because they do not, in his words, “judge him”. They do not challenge him to live up to the promises he made to God and to me, and they do not ask him to be the best person he can be.

And it is so. fucking. sad. Because instead of moving out of here to reunite my family, I am filing for divorce. I am moving back in with my parents. I am being forced to acknowledge that I have wasted the last 6 years of my life and that the only good thing to come out of it at all was Boy-o. As a friend told me recently, I got a lovely parting gift.

gabelovesmama.jpg

My initial plans once I get home (aside from getting a job) are to get signed up for a yoga class at the gym down the street, and I’m thinking of trying my hand at knitting as well. I’ve been looking at this yarn shop, and they offer beginner classes. It’s a thought, anyway.

Voice of the Day: Living In a World With Suffering (from Beliefnet: God’s Politics) November 28, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging.
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Living as we do in a world that suffers so much, two opposing possibilities can easily tempt us: either to turn our backs and live oblivious to the pain or to allow the pain to overwhelm us and despair to take up residence in our hearts. The truly faithful option is to face the pain and live joyfully in the midst of it. Those who suffer most remind us of how tragic and arrogant it would be for us to lose hope on behalf of people who have not lost theirs. They are teachers of joy.

– Joyce Hollyday
Then Your Light Shall Rise

you people think I’m joking… November 28, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in nerd stuff.
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nokia-5300-xpressmusic.jpg

My lonely, lonely nights are a thing of the past.  I have a new phone.

It is pretty.  It stores 250 mp3’s.  It doesn’t argue with me or give me the silent treatment, but it is quiet when I ask it to be.  It doesn’t cheat on me with other phones.  It doesn’t complain when I ask it to call my mother.  It sings me a pretty song to wake me up in the morning.  If it had arms it would be absolutely perfect.

Oh well, I guess I can’t have it all.

week 4 November 27, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in weight loss.
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Forgot my weekly update on Sunday!

down 1.6 lbs, total: 9.2 lbs.

Marcus update November 22, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, friends.
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A couple of people have asked me for an update on Marcus and the tragedy that has affected the small town I live in, so I thought I would just sum things up before I head south for the Thanksgiving weekend.

A week and a half ago, my friends were driving south on I-35 from a night partying in Norman.  There were 6 of them in the car, and 5 of them worked with me at the call center.  Just south of the city, they were hit head on at highway speed by a woman in a brand new car who was traveling north in the southbound lanes of the freeway.  This woman had left a suicide note at home.  The woman was killed instantly.  The 6 in the other car had to be cut from the vehicle.  2 were already dead by the time emergency services arrived, and the other 2 died at the scene in a matter of minutes.  Marcus and the other kid (who didn’t work at the call center, so I don’t know him) were Mediflighted to OU Medical Center.  There was a third car behind my friends’ car that was involved, and that car was driven by a man who was heading back to our same small town.  He blessedly walked away without injury.  Only the drivers of the three cars were wearing their seatbelts, although frankly, I can’t figure out why the woman who caused all this bothered.  If that sounds bitter, I’m sorry.

No I’m not.  I AM bitter.

Although the word on the street was that Marcus wasn’t going to make it, I should have known that someone as ummm…flaming…as he is wouldn’t allow himself to be extinguished so easily. 🙂

In the first few days, he had two brain surgeries to relive swelling and the pressure from fluid buildup.  He has also had two reconstructive surgeries on his face.  All his ribs are broken, something is wrong with his spleen, his jaw is wired shut, he has lost hearing in his left ear and sight in his left eye.  Collarbone is broken in two places, left femur in two.  He’s on a  feeding tube and a respirator, and they’ve been trying to wean him off it for the last few days, because the longer he remains on it, the harder it will be for him to breathe on his own.  Most of the time he has been kept in a medically induced coma, but when awoken, he responds to requests to squeeze a hand or try to move a leg.  He knows he is in the hospital, but doesn’t know what has happened yet.  His condition has been upgraded from critical to stable.  His mother, from whom he has been long estranged, is by his bedside, and he has squeezed her hand once for yes when she asked if she could stay, and twice for no when she asked if she should leave.  And so the spirit of forgiveness appears to have taken root in the midst of this awful mess.

Last Wednesday were the four funerals, and that evening we held a candlelight memorial service at work to celebrate the lives of those who were too young to die.  Everyone told stories, and there were a lot of tears.  We’re flying the flags at half staff.

This Saturday we are holding a benefit drag show to raise money for the hospital bills.  Originally, I was supposed to work the event, but when some of my teammates realized that this Sunday is my last day at work, they decided to find a fill in for me so they could buy me drinks and have a little going away party too.  And as happy as I am to be going home, I am genuinely going to miss all the wonderful people who held me up during these last few difficult months.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Oh my Goth! November 18, 2007

Posted by introspectreangel in entertainment.
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 gogothteam.jpg

You gotta watch The Amazing Race on CBS, Sundays at 7 PM CST.  I’m totally diggin’ Kynt and Vyxsin, the Gothic Energizer Bunnies!