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June 27, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in life.

So, let’s talk about what I’m doing NOW.  You know, off with the old and on with the new, and all that stuff.

I work a lot.  I’m a medical records specialist-slash-birth registrar for a local hospital.  I listen to physician dictation and assign the reports to the medical transcriptionists for typing.  I organize vast quantities of loose paper medical records into cohesive batches for scanning into the electronic health record.  I rock out with my “RECEIVED ON” date stamp.  I coo over babies and verify that their names are spelled correctly, I assist unmarried parents in legally establishing paternity, and I report pregnancy, labor, and delivery statistics to the State.

I don’t go to church, but I lurk all over the Internet on a variety of Anglican/Episcopalian blogs.  The Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth is just too…complicated…for me to invest my energy in right now.  Everything’s a battle, and I just. don’t. need. that.  I need peace.  Occasionally I feel the need to worship in community, and I’ve driven over to Dallas to the parish I used to attend a few times – but it’s a long drive, and the church has grown by leaps and bounds.  It feels different.  I’m considering investigating a few of the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) churches around here, because I know the Episcopal Church is in full communion with them, but most Sunday mornings I just opt for sleep and watching ‘Cars’ with Gabe.

I have friends, amazingly enough.  Several of them, which is very different for me.  My best friend in the world, whom I have known for 8 years, is Shannon.  We met when we lived across from each other in the same apartment complex.  She was my maid of honor.  We joke about moving to California to get married, but she’s not sure how she feels about kids and I’m not sure how I feel about dogs, so oh well.  Shannon made friends through MySpace with an interesting character named Alex, and I befriended him through her.  Alex is an ENTP on the Meyers-Briggs scale, and once he learned the story of everything I have been through in the last few years, he made it his mission to crack my shell.  He introduced me to his partner, Dani, and at least 5 or 6 other really amazing, fun-loving people.  We hang out, we go to karaoke, we eat sushi, we talk music.  I mess around with Alex’s guitars, and we occasionally explore underground drainage tunnels (it’s called urban exploring, and it’s AMAZING what you see down there).  These incredible people helped me mark the finalization of my divorce with a 4 day long party that involved a Goth club, a front porch barbecue and bullshit session, and the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  These wonderful, supportive people who helped me move into my apartment, have listened to me cry, and have embraced me are also, for the most part, dedicated agnostics, secular humanists, and atheists, which is…interesting.  I wouldn’t characterize them as hostile to religion.  They are just completely and utterly without faith in anything beyond that which can be proven.  And yet…they are not hopeless.  I always believed that not having faith meant you didn’t have hope, but I have been proven incorrect.

I’m dating again.  Maybe dating isn’t the right word.  I hesitate to talk about this, but this is my blog, and you don’t have to read it. 

Ok, so I’m having sex (and yes, I’m being safe).  I don’t think anyone quite gets just how much my x’s sex addiction and desire for progressivley risky relationships with outsiders damaged me.  For 6 years, he did everything he could to  skewer my belief in myself as an attractive and desirable woman who can have fun and bring pleasure to others.  I completely lost touch with my libido, and I came to believe something I had never, ever believed before: that I was dirty and didn’t deserve to enjoy myself.  What I’m doing involves some conscious effort to remember that sex and love are two separate things, and that they can exist (perhaps should? But I’m not entirely sure) together, but don’t have to.  I thought, given my previous (current?  I don’t know) beliefs in the sanctity of marriage and the place of sex in loving relationships, that this would be very difficult, and it hasn’t been.  But the long story short is that I have found out that there are, in fact, people out there who find my body beautiful, who desire me and want to please me in a way that I have not ever experienced before, whether in a relationship or out of one.  And whether you agree with what I’m doing or not, I have to say that I am beginning to feel healed, and healthy, and whole for the first time in many, many years.  I look forward to the day when I again have a partner, when I can commit myself AND my body AND my soul wholeheartedly to one person, but I will never again make the mistake of fixating on a person who is just…well, just not that into me.  I deserve more, and I always have.

NOW, this being said, I have a bona fide date-style DATE tonight with someone, involving dinner and everything!  I first met him last weekend, and my first impression was of a funny, kind, and gentle man.  He gave me a backrub and looked into my eyes and when I said I would like to get to know him better, he said he would absolutely love that and how about Friday?

I’ve mourned for a year.  I’m ready to move on. 

Last night I took Gabe to Oklahoma to spend the rest of the summer with his dad.  He doesn’t get the concept that this visit is for more than a weekend, because he kept saying, “See you Sunday, Mom!”  I gave up trying to explain it and just made sure he had his backpack and blanket and Buster the stufed dog.  I told him to be a good boy for his teachers at his ‘summertime school’, and I thanked his dad for securing him a place back at the very same preschool he attended when we lived there, so as to minimize any trauma.  I told him I’d call him every night and I’d miss him very much.  I think it is going to be very, very good for his dad to get a chance to be something other than “Uncle Dad”.

Well, that about sums everything up.  My apartment is slowly but surely coming together.  My stuff is cheap, and I miss some of the old THINGS I had when I was married…but not too much.  I have great neighbors.  They speak very little English, and last weekend when Gabe and I were coming back from the pool, they were outside grilling up a feast for their 5 year old son’s birthday and blasting Tejano and salsa music.  I let the beat catch me and as I danced up the stairs, the dad yelled to get my attention and then motioned to his grill and all the kids playing on the tennis court, inviting us to join his family for their party.  We were happy to do so, and Gabe had a great time playing, and I had a great time eating some incredible ribeye and crazy spicy smoked sausage and drinking Coronas.  I’m throwing myself a birthday party the weekend of July 19th, and I think I shall invite them in return.

Hope all of YOUR summers are shaping up to be as much fun as mine! 


untying the knot May 18, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in life.

My divorce was final last Thursday, May 15th.

One of these days I will write a hideously long post about my dubious adventures of the last few months, but not today.  In the meantime, if you want to keep up with how I’m doing, you can visit my daily photos here, or you can check in with me on MySpace as well.

Postmodern Friday 5 April 25, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in Friday Fives.


Singing Owl writes:


“Yesterday I had two separate conversations in which people were musing about how much change is occurring. The WW II generation, of which my mom is a part, went from horse and buggy to automobiles, saw the lessening, or even the end of many diseases, went from widespread use of kerosene lamps and outhouses (in the country, and most folks were rural)) to a totally electrified and plumbed society. The fastest means of communication was a telegraph. The second conversation–gulp–was about MY generation and how much change occurred in the last half of the 20th century. The person said his 13 year old had not seen a vinyl record album until a few days before, couldn’t remember a time without cell phones, and on and on.

As for the questions!

1. What modern convenience/invention could you absolutely, positively not live without?


Initially I was going to say the Internets, but I’m going to go with my cell phone for right now.  I just moved and haven’t had the cable folks out yet to get my Internets hooked up, and I’m still walking around breathing… but I make no promises I would be doing that if you took away my ability to call, text message, take pictures, or listen to my mp3’s, all of which I do on my phone. 


I’ve read some other responses to this Friday Five already, and I’ve seen several that answered question #2 with “cell phones”, wishing they had never seen the light of day.  I think that I’ve had a different experience with them altogether.  I remember when cell phones first began to appear on the landscape, and I remember hearing people say things like, “Well, this is her cell phone number and I tried her at home already and she wasn’t there, so I don’t know WHY she doesn’t pick up!”  There was an expectation that if you had a cell phone, you were available anytime, anywhere.  But as more and more people are replacing their land lines with cell phones, I think that expectation is going away.  My cell phone is my only phone, and I do not feel the slightest bit obligated to answer it if I don’t feel like talking to anyone, regardless of whether or not they think I should answer.  I think it’s awesome that the only calls I miss are the ones I WANT to miss, and I don’t have to give out my work number to anyone, which is wonderful.  I hate, hate, hate it when collections people call for my coworkers.  I think it’s incredibly rude to bother people at work with that stuff.  And the brevity of text messaging has given me a glimpse into the interior lives of my friends, both near and far, that I might not get if I had to sit down and write letters to them.  For example, I was sitting out on my porch the other night watching a thunderstorm roll in, musing about what it meant to be in the first place that is really MY OWN following the demise of my marriage, and I was sharing it with a good friend in real time via text message.  If I had waited until later, to write an email or a letter, I might not remember what I was feeling.  Being able to tell someone that I’m lonely, or that I’m confused, or that I feel elated, or that I really need to talk at the very moment that I am feeling those emotions keeps me sane and connected in what has been a very trying time.  Even if the person I’m reaching out to can’t talk right then, knowing that I put it out into the universe that I needed contact helps immeasurably.

2. What modern convenience/invention do you wish had never seen the light of day? Why?

I may love cell phones, but some of the accessories are seriously annoying.  Bluetooth headsets anyone?  Or maybe it’s the fact that people persist in wearing them when they’re not on the phone?  I love how technology has improved and streamlined our lives, but seriously, you’re just not important enough to walk around with the damn thing on all the time.  Or perhaps you’re just living out your childhood fantasy of becoming a robot?

3. Do you own a music-playing device older than a CD player? More than one? If so, do you use it (them)?


I don’t own the devices for playing, but I do own a few records and a few cassette tapes.  I was occasionally listening to them on my parents’ old stereo when I had to move back in with them temporarily, but I’ve been thinking I may look into what would be necessary to convert them to mp3.  However, I can’t really explain to anyone in words the sentimental value of these items in their original format.  The Route 66 remix of Depeche Mode’s “Behind the Wheel”…the “Interview with the Vampire” soundtrack…a Human Drama EP called “Hopes Prayers Dreams Heart Soul Mind Love Life Death”…Guns ‘n’ Roses “Appetite for Destruction”…this was music that changed my life and even if cassette tapes and records become completely unplayable, I’m sure I’ll keep them.

4. Do you find the rapid change in our world exciting, scary, a mix…or something else?


Definitely exciting.  I wish I had the money to keep up with more of the latest toys.  Here’s the thing, though – I don’t want the stuff just to have it, you know?  I’m not interested in possessions per se, and I’ve always been more interested in how technology is used as opposed to the existence of the technology itself.  GPS technology is super cool, but the coolest thing is not ever getting lost and the new friends you can make geocaching.  Digital music is awesome indeed, but sharing it with people is even better.  Not having to hike to find the nearest pay phone when your car breaks down and being able to call roadside assistance is simply divine.

5. What did our forebears have that we have lost and you’d like to regain? Bonus points if you have a suggestion of how to begin that process.


I honestly cannot think of one single thing.  No bonus points for me, I guess.

April 21, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in life.

 Checking in, as requested.  Sorry, but it would be the understatement of the decade to say that much has been happening, but… much has been happening, and I don’t have the time to write about it all.  The lack of an Internet connection at home is proving to be a bit of an obstacle as well, but hopefully that will be remedied in just a few short weeks.  In the meantime, know that I am indeed alive and well.  Thanks for thinking of me!

Look Before You Leap, It’s the Friday Five! February 29, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in Friday Fives.


It’s Leap Day!! Whether you’re one of the special few who have a birthday only once every four years, or simply confused by the extra day on the calendar, everyone is welcome to join in and play our Leap Year Friday Five.Tell us about a time you:

1. Leapt before looked – It would be fair to say this is more of my modus operandi than the exception to the rule.  I’ll tell you what, though – I hate, hate, HATE team-building exercises, especially the ones that involve “trust falls” and “blind walks”.  You know what I’m talking about, where you fall backwards into your coworkers’ arms, or partner up with a coworker, put on a blindfold, and trust them to lead you around and not hurt you?  Perhaps it’s the contrived nature of the setting – you know you won’t get hurt, in which case it’s not *really* leaping without looking, is it?

2. Leapt to a conclusion – I assumed that because my then-fiance, soon to be ex-husband, didn’t actively tell me to go away that he was as much in love with me as I thought myself to be with him.  I wish I would have paid more attention, and I wish that I would have taken the time to grieve the loss that had occurred just prior to meeting him… maybe then I would have had the confidence to be true to myself instead of hoping he would complete me.  On the other hand, I wouldn’t trade my “lovely parting gift” of Gabe or my insanely pathetic crush on David Tennant of television’s “Dr. Who” – a show I never would have watched if not for my ex!

3. Took a Leap of faith – Teenage hitchiking.  Damn, that was stupid.

4. Took a literal Leap – At my handfasting I jumped the broom.  Does that count? (It wasn’t easy in that drapy gown with the bell sleeves and all the ribbons I was wearing, either!)  I’m also remembering summers spent at the enormous pool at the Lockheed Martin Recreation Area here in Fort Worth.  They have the regular diving boards, as well as the Olympic standard 10 meter platforms – you can hit the water at up to 55 mph off one of those – and I did, many times!

5. And finally, what might you be faced with Leaping in the coming year? – Some of my long-held ideas about worship communities and the place they hold/have held in my life have been gradually changing over the last 2 years, and I think this year I may come to peace with that.  I hope to tackle my procrastinating ways as well and get myself back into school to take on another bachelor’s degree.

Friday 5: Baptism edition February 18, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in Friday Fives, theology.
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This is so very, very late, and I haven’t played Friday 5 in so very, very long… but this is a topic I just couldn’t pass up!

From the RevGals:

In this Sunday’s gospel Nicodemus asks Jesus, “How can anyone be born after having grown old? Can one enter a second time into the mother’s womb and be born?” Poor old Nicodemus! He was so confused about the whole “water and Spirit” business of baptism. For today’s five, tell us about your baptismal experiences.

When and where were you baptized? Do you remember it? Know any interesting tidbits?
I was baptized at the tender age of 15 days old at the Benjamin Franklin Village Chapel in Mannheim, Germany. Benjamin Franklin Village is a U.S. Army installation made up of several smaller military posts. Anyway, no, I don’t remember it, but my mom has my Baptism candle, which is all messed up because as a kid, I loved the way wax felt under my fingernails when I scratched candles, so the decorative Chi Ro symbol on the candle is all scratched off. Whoops! Interesting tidbits, huh? Let’s see… well, my dad began studying the Roman Catholic faith when he joined the Army. Then he met my Roman Catholic mom, and they had a whirlwind courtship and quickie civil wedding in front of a JP. They decided to make everything sacramentally legit after I came along, but my dad’s childhood Southern Baptist church would not cough up the proof of his baptism when a Catholic church requested it. So on August 10, 1975, the day that I received my first sacrament, Baptism, my dad received FIVE: Baptism, Reconciliation, Eucharist, Confirmation, and Matrimony.

What’s the most unexpected thing you’ve ever witnessed at a baptism?
I can’t say I’ve ever witnessed anything unexpected. As a child, the one I remember best is my younger brother’s baptism. His godmother, my aunt from Texas, couldn’t make the blessed event in Ohio, so another aunt who was local stood in proxy for her. And his godfather, my uncle who is always late to things, was actually early… but that may have been because we told him it started an hour earlier than it did!

Does your congregation have any special traditions surrounding baptisms?
I just joined my current parish a few weeks ago, so I don’t know if they have any special traditions particular to that congregation. I’ve always liked it when the kids are invited to sit up front to see what is going on, though. And I knew a priest once who always walked the aisle with the newly baptized baby and asked everyone to say hello to the newest member of our family. It took a long time, because you could hear people singing little lullabies as they reached over to touch the kiddo, but they baby was usually either laughing or asleep by the end of it.

Are you a godparent or baptismal sponsor? Have a story to tell?
I’m not, but I would very much like to be. I agonized over the choices of godparents for my children, because I wanted people who would take the promises seriously. It makes me sad that I’m not in touch with The Princess’ godmother anymore. I thought we would be friends forever when I was 17, but it was not to be. Boy-o’s godparents are relatives, so I know where to find them, but they are also of a different faith tradition that practices believer’s baptism, not infant baptism, and they don’t use godparents, so they didn’t quite get what they big deal was or what exactly the role was I was hoping they would play in his spiritual formation. Oh well…

Do you have a favorite baptismal song or hymn?
Not a hymn, but I’m more of a liturgy person. I can find something to love about the music I’m worshiping to no matter if it’s a guitar Mass with 15 people present or Evensong in a majestic cathedral. So, I’ll give you my favorite words of the Baptismal liturgy instead, the words of Thanksgiving over the Water (Book of Common prayer, p.306):

“We thank you, Almighty God, for the gift of water. Over it the Holy Spirit moved in the beginning of creation. Through it you led the children of Israel out of their bondage in Egypt into the land of promise. In it your Son Jesus received the baptism of John and was anointed by the Holy Spirit as the Messiah, the Christ, to lead us, through his death and resurrection, from the bondage of sin into everlasting life.

We thank you, Father, for the water of Baptism. In it we are buried with Christ in his death. By it we share in his resurrection. Through it we are reborn by the Holy Spirit. Therefore in joyful obedience to your Son, we bring into his fellowship those who come to him in faith, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

February 17, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, life.

Haven’t been in the back of a police car in a long time, but yesterday both kids and I were in this one, hanging out and waiting for the wrecker to come get our car. We hydroplaned and did several 360’s across all lanes of traffic on northbound 121. Miraculously no one was hurt, and we didn’t hit anyone or anything, just wound up wedged into an embankment.  Insurance is talking like they’re going to total the car, which comes with a whole new set of problems, but I suppose we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it on Monday morning.

Haven’t had much of anything to say for awhile.  I’d like to start blogging again, but only when I have something to write that is not a pathetic laundry list of mishaps.  I was almost there… and then this.

January 24, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression.

Yesterday I…

-straightened out an issue with the lienholder of my vehicle…my payments were 2 months behind due to the move and the 2 weeks spent without a job, but I think I’ve got it fixed now.

Today I…

-called the company that owns my student loans.  I’ve been dodging their calls for months because I haven’t been able to pay.  So I called and said, “Help?  I’m getting divorced and I have no money.” and they said, “Look at that, you qualify for an economic hardship deferment. And we can backdate it to take care of all the past due stuff, too.”

Suffice it to say, when I moved, I just packed my shit and MOVED.  I was so emotionally drained, I didn’t forward my mail, turn off my utilities, change over my car insurance/registration – ANYTHING.  And, well…it’s catching up with me.  It’s not all bad.  My former landlord rented the place again the next week, so the utility companies figured out I didn’t live there anymore and sent me refunds of my deposits, which were helpful during the crunch.  But I’m so tired of living like this.  Ignoring problems does not make them go away, and you’d think I would know that by now.

I keep wanting to call the contact at my new parish for Stephen Ministry, but I think I’m too hard a case.  If anyone knows of good experiences others have had with it, I would appreciate hearing them.

January 20, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, Episcopal.

So today was the annual meeting at church, a time in which reports are given and budgets explained and vestry members and diocesan convention delegates are elected.  Even though I haven’t been attending this church very long and haven’t officially transferred my letter yet (therefore not having voting privileges), I decided to attend.  I haven’t gotten to know anyone or participated in anything outside of services yet, and I thought maybe I could get a better sense of what the actual people of the church were like if I saw them in a forum where there would be some discussions and debates.

(Side note: this is a different method of operating for me, by the way.  When I have joined a new parish in the past, I have jumped in with both feet.  I have introduced myself and my family to the rector, asked how I could get involved, attended education classes right off the bat, pledged…the whole works.  But I’m stepping gingerly this time.  Part of this has to do with the fact that this IS the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth, an all-around unfriendly place for people who want (as I do) to remain Episcopalian.  The other part is my own emotional state.  I feel odd, being as it’s just Boy-o and me, no husband.  Until it was gone, I didn’t realize how much security I took from simply being someone’s wife, even though the marriage was a disaster almost from the get go, even though I know with all my heart that I will be healthier on my own.  I’m not comfortable identifying myself as husband-less yet.  I find myself wondering if the fact that I haven’t felt welcomed in this parish has to do with my insecurities about no longer being part of a “traditional” family unit, or whether it really is THEM.  So today, to battle some of the demons that have been trailing my footsteps (see last post), I decided to try and find out by attending this meeting.)

I had read in the bulletin that child care would be provided, but not knowing anyone, and being a little nervous about asking (because then people would know I don’t BELONG), I ambled around to all the classrooms until I found the one where there were kids watching movies.  I asked if this was the child care for the meeting, and the nice lady said it was.  She took Boy-o’s backpack, asked his name, and sat him in  a chair with the other kids to watch “Ratatouille”.  I went back into the parish hall and looked around for a place to sit.  Lunch was being served (a baked potato bar), but I wasn’t hungry, so I found a place at a table where no one else was sitting.  In the old days, I would have seated myself and my husband at a table that had people already, shaken hands, introduced the both of us, and started a conversation.  But these are most definitely not the old days.  I was nervous.  I wanted to know more about the parish, but wasn’t sure how to begin finding out.  There were a lot of people there, they were all wearing name tags, and I didn’t know any of them.

Then a very nice woman at another table made eye contact with me and asked if I would like to come sit with them, so I did.  Introductions were made around the table, and I put on my super duper being-interviewed-for-a-job-and-I-have-to-make-them-like-them-me smiley face.  The lady who invited me asked how long I had been coming to the parish, I said only a few weeks and explained I had recently moved back home to the area from Oklahoma.  It turned out that we live in the same Fort Worth suburb, only a few miles apart, and both drive about 25 minutes to this parish when there is another Episcopal parish in the very town we live in.  I also learned she and her husband were from Oklahoma, so that gave us a few things to talk about.  The priest-in-charge (the parish is in the middle of a rector search process, it turns out) interrupted our getting to know one another by doing the familiar quieting of the room with “The Lord be with you”, and informed us that Bishop +JLI had asked that this video  (text can be found here) of his address from the diocesan convention in November be played at each parish’s annual meeting.

Immediately, the following comments were heard:

“But he didn’t say we had to listen, did he?”


“You know, after I was confirmed he held out his hand at a 45 degree angle like I was supposed to kiss his ring, and all I could think of was in the Lord of the Rings when Gollum bites Frodo’s finger off.”

And if I needed any more reassurance that I was in an okay place, my new friend  asked me what brought me to this place instead of the closer parish.  I looked at the other people around the table, screwed up my courage, and did something that I understand is quite risky these days in the Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth – I blurted out, “I want to be part of a place that is not on its way out of The Episcopal Church.”  Everyone smiled, and an older gentleman (who it also turned out was a vestry member) said I had come to the right place.

This was all being said in quiet voices while the video was playing, and the whole room was in conversation in this manner.  I can honestly say that I have never seen a group of Episcopalians less interested in what their bishop had to say.  Another woman at the table told me, “We were considerate while he was explaining the bit about the history of how the diocese came to be, but frankly we really don’t care to hear the rest of his opinions about how we are going to be “left behind”.  Her husband commented on the hearty applause by the convention delegates at the end of the bishop’s talk, and the vestry member next to me said, “Well, of course – he’s preaching to his choir.  We are not members of his choir.”

So, this weekend’s progress consisted of the following:

1. Reactivating membership in that famous club that makes you write down everything you eat.

2. Making friends at church.

3. Not obsessing about that which has been lost forever.

The activities of the next few days are expected to include:

1. A talk with Fr. Priest-in-Charge, who is also in charge of the Stephen Ministry.  Because I think I could use their help.

2. A concerted effort to remember that not everyone is thinking about me all the time.  Cos this whiny shit I’ve been doing is seriously pathological.

January 18, 2008

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression.

Here it is.

I’m tired.  I’m sad.  I’m lost.  I’m pissed the fuck off.  Nothing is right, and I don’t know how to fix it.  I’m constantly forcing down the scream that just wants to come howling to the surface.  My chest hurts and I can’t swallow.  I want to step in front of one of this town’s many trains, or jump off the roof, or shoot myself in the head, or slice my forearms to ribbons.  I have constant dreams about death…except I’m not sure if you can call them dreams, since they happen when I’m awake, too.  You’d never know it.  You could pass me walking down the hall at work, and you would never know about the bloody movie playing on an endless loop in my head.  I think the official term for this is “suicidal ideations”.  I have no plan to carry any of this out.  I keep telling myself that I have people depending on me, and haven’t I hurt them enough already?

I have lost my marriage.  I think I may have lost my religion, too.  I’ve lost my independence, and my reason.  If I could figure out a way to stay in bed 24 hours a day and sleep, I would.

I have lost the good kid Boy-o used to be, the one that his teachers told me was a pleasure to have around.  Now he’s the “problem child” who has lost his potty training and is constantly in time out and throwing tantrums, and his teacher at his new preschool HATES me and thinks I am a shitty mother.  I can TELL.  I’m supposed to be enforcing a consistent program of discipline and rewards and consequences at home, but I have no discipline in my OWN routine, and have been utterly unable to do this for him.

And dammit…it feels like he used to be good just for being able to climb up in my lap for a kiss and a snuggle, just because he was a nice kid…and now he wants a freaking REWARD for everything.  I want to tell him, the real world isn’t going to reward you for following directions and cleaning up your mess.  But that would be cruel.  I think.

Once upon a time, when I was well-insured and had a co-parent around on a daily basis, I was able to put together a tidy little package of medication, counseling, spiritual direction, church involvement, diet, and exercise that had me feeling the best I have ever felt in my life.  For close to a year, I got to see what life is like in the light.  It seems unfathomable to me now that I once felt good.  I try every…single…day to make a list of the things I would need to do, the phone calls I would need to make, the places I would have to drive to get back there, and I get exhausted and put down the pen.

I’m tired of licking my wounds.  I don’t know how to do anything else.  I have a job, but I’m a temp, and there is no possible way I can ask for a whole day off to go sit at the county mental health center to fill out paperwork for a possible appointment 3 months in the future.  I spend all my free weekends when Boy-o is with his dad drunk out of my mind.  I will do anything to avoid having to think about the pile of shit that is my life.  The last couple of nights have seen me passing out from too much cough syrup.  I’m out now, but I briefly considered going out to CVS to buy some more, which is a big clue that this is not a healthy path I am starting down.

Am I sick, mad, or both?

Can I just go to sleep now?  And never wake up?