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I know I’ve turned the corner when I start listening to angry chick rock again August 16, 2007

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I think it’s the “it was you who chose to end it like you did, I was the last to know” line that makes me jump up and down and pump my fist in the air. 🙂

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bring your chains November 9, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in music.
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you have $150 bucks. do you:

a) finally, 6 months after moving to a new state, pay the necessary taxes to get your car properly tagged and registered, or do you…

b) make a last minute, 2 and a half hour mad dash down the interstate to the depeche mode concert in the city you used to live in, get home at 2 am, and go to work on 3 hours sleep, which is something you haven’t done since COLLEGE for heaven’s sake?

oh, come ON!

what’s my age again? September 13, 2005

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i’m suddenly on this weird punk-pop kick. it started when i heard green day’s “holiday” on the radio on the way home from work (yes, i still listen to local radio) today. so far, the track list for my new punk-pop cd is a real mish mash (or should that be mish MOSH – haha – ok, i get it, that was lame). i’ve got “holiday” of course, because it inspired the whole thing. i’ve got some good 80’s stuff like the descendents “i’m not a punk”, and social distortion’s “ball and chain”, and agent orange’s “the last goodbye”. of course i also have blink 182 and the offspring and the ataris and the all-american rejects. suggestions, anyone?

i’ve been bidding on coldplay tickets… September 13, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in blogging, depression, family, lyrics, music, weight loss, work.
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…on ebay for about 3 weeks now, and today i just gave up. as i stared in abject horror, my bid of $43.99 FOR LAWN SEATS was jacked up to $125 in the space of 5 minutes. so i gave up. i figured it was God’s way of telling me to save my dollars for depeche mode tickets. 🙂

truthfully, i’m not in a good mood. i had a horrid afternoon at work with an obviously unhappy individual. i came home, walked in the door, and no one noticed i was there. so, i went out and sat on the porch swing and felt sorry for myself. i tried to have a good cry about it, but i couldn’t summon up more than a few tears. what i really wanted was a good old-fashioned bawl session in the arms of someone who loves me. what i got instead was a blank stare and the demand to know what was wrong with me. i’m tired of having to verbalize my feelings. i don’t want to own my emotions. why can’t anyone say to me, “you look sad, is there anything i can do?” instead of “what’s wrong with YOU?”

furthermore, i was reading my blogroll, and i came across a comment from my sister-in-law that she was afraid to post since i discovered her blog. it hurt a little bit, because i discovered her by accident and then made a point of commenting – kind of my way of letting her know i would respect her privacy and was no threat. and yet, with no malicious intent, without realizing it and without meaning to, i invaded it anyway, because she is now afraid to post. it just kind of contributed to the overall sense of “i can’t do anything right.”

i also feel cruddy because i haven’t been eating right. it’s weird how i can notice a difference in the way i feel when i go overboard on sugar via cokes, cookies, and candy. i’ve been bingeing the last few days, and my body is yelling at me to quit it.

i’m trying to get excited about our upcoming weekend jaunt home for our old parish’s fall festival (what could be better than a trip home with no family obligations!), but i’m having a hard time. i feel hopeless, and intellectually, i know i’m in the grip of a depressive episode. i could probably stand to get back on some medication, but if i do that it will be yet another way in which i’ve failed to control myself.

jeez, this was a cheery post, wasn’t it?

“I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
this is the dawning of the rest of our lives on holiday…”
-Green Day

in the grand old tradition of "what’s mine is mine… February 14, 2005

Posted by introspectreangel in marriage, music.
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in the grand old tradition of “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine”, i bought husband a box of chocolates and dug into them before he got home. i also opened the scissor sisters cd i got myself him and had it playing when he walked in the door. everyone should pick it up immediately – i highly recommend it!

anthem October 19, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in lyrics, music.
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“Ring the bells that still can ring,

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything.

That’s how the light gets in.”

— Leonard Cohen, “Anthem”

now playing on my launchcast September 24, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in life, lyrics, movies, music.
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ministry’s “everyday is halloween”, one of my favorite anthems from my early 20’s.

why can’t i live a life for me, why should i take the abuse that’s served, why can’t they see they’re just like me, i’m not the one that’s so absurd!

transporting me straight back to my goth phase – the days of my pet burmese python, lethos, and black magic markering random poetry all over my bedroom walls and donating plasma so i could buy concert tickets. not many remnants of those days remain. i retain a fondness for black clothes, although these days i’m looking for conservative skirts and shoes for work, instead of feather boas and patterned stockings for the club. i still have christmas lights threaded through the wrought iron headboard of my bed, but i took down the bauhaus and cure posters and the strobe lights. i was cleaning out my makeup bag the other day and i pulled out my old liquid black eyeliner – it had turned all crusty and i couldn’t get the cap off. sheesh – i used to go through a tube of that stuff every two WEEKS.

“eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” is coming out on dvd and i can’t wait!

concert September 16, 2004

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should my october concert dollars go for morrissey on the 29th or for the pixies on the 19th?

strangelove…strange highs and strange lows September 1, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in life, music, work.
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as i was getting onto the highway today on my way to work, i noticed a gigantic blue tarp hanging from the side of the on ramp. on it was spray painted “i love ana”.

see, not all graffiti artists are vandals.

——

a few days ago, our HR manager went to my direct manager, mark, about the printout of my blog entry that wound up in her box. so, today he finally decided to address the elephant in the room, i.e. the “so, are you looking for another job or not?” issue. he asked me to tell him what i wanted. i put on my “confident and competent” hat, and i was very straightforward and extremely direct:

me: “mark, i love working for this hotel, and i love the people i work with, however, i believe i have maxed out my potential in my current role. being a glorified paperwork monkey is no longer making me happy. in the last year, i have grown in both confidence and technical ability, and i understand what it means to build relationships with accounts and to implement growth strategies. i have taken on many tasks outside the scope of my “job description”, and i have proven that i am passionate about this business. i am interested in moving into a position where i can more directly affect the growth of our average daily rate and our revenue per available room. i believe i can best do that by moving into one of the current open positions in the sales department. i have never made any secret of my desire to advance my career with this company, but if i cannot, then i owe it to you to let you know that i am indeed looking elsewhere.”

mark: “angel, i agree with you. if you want to pursue a promotion, then i back you 150%, because as much as i would hate to lose you in this department, i think you would be an excellent fit for a sales position, and then we can keep you within the organization. talk to HR about it tomorrow, and when our new director of sales starts next week, we can pursue it with her as well.”

me: “ummm…thanks. wow. i didn’t think that would really work.”

well, so much for “confident and competent”.

——

marilyn freakin’ manson re-did depeche mode’s “personal jesus”. i haven’t heard it yet, so i will withhold judgment until i do.

road trip July 19, 2004

Posted by introspectreangel in Episcopal, faith, friends, lyrics, marriage, music, reading, road trips.
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what a weekend.

we made sure everything was packed on thursday evening as soon as we got home from work, and then went straight to bed at 8 pm, planning to get up at 3 am and hit the road. instead, we lay in bed, staring at the ceiling fan, completely unable to fall asleep, for the simple reason that we were trying to. so, we talked for a little bit, and i got up and watched some tv, and finally at 2 am i hopped in the shower and got ready to go. we got the baby up, set him in his carseat, and took off. i drove, since i was more awake.

we crossed the state line about an hour after we set out, and the sky was just starting to lose some of its inky quality and take on more of a midnight blue. we stopped for gasoline and coffee at the superette convenience tore in some small town. i was waited on by a girl who couldn’t have been more than 17 years old. she was mopping the floor when i walked into the store, and the loudspeaker was blaring eminem. it was weird – she turned around to face me when she heard the bell jangle over the door, and she had a vaguely challenging look on her face – it was a very hard look, though like i said, she couldn’t have been more than 17. i smiled at her, and oddly enough, she blushed and ran to turn down the music – like i was her mom and had just caught her doing something she shouldn’t have been. i told her the music was fine, paid for the coffee and snacks, thanked her, and left. husband took over the driving so i could feed the youngster.

we merged onto the interstate not too long after that. the sky was gray by now – the only vehicles on the road were truckers and farmers. we came over a hill and suddenly the amazing lake was all around us. beautiful! but truly, i was holding out for the mountains. since the baby now had a full tummy, i resumed my place behind the wheel and took us into the next state. we moved from the interstate onto the north loop that would take us up into the mountains and to our eventual destination.

what took us there was the very nice, very low-key wedding of our friends ally and bobby. we knew they had a lot to get done, so we arranged to arrive early friday morning so we could help them get their house ready for their bachelor party that night. to that end, we spend the morning and afternoon moving their things from the garage into a storage unit, then we had lunch, and then we rested before going out to dinner with the happy couple, their baby, and some other friends. by this time, other people were starting to arrive in town and show up at the house, so everyone met there and a nice, laid back little party got started, complete with video games, conversation, and a few bottles of wine.

the next day we had planned to go out on our own and see some of the town, maybe go to devil’s den state park or do some sightseeing and souvenir buying until the wedding that evening, but those plans went by the wayside when bobby called us around noon asking when we were coming over to the house. turned out they needed more help getting ready for that evening. husband and bobby ended up taking more stuff to storage, while i made the wedding cake (red velvet with cream cheese frosting, yum) and cleaned up the living room. finally, we made it back to our hotel room with barely enough time to get ready for the ceremony and drive to the park where it was being held. the weather was perfect for an outdoor wedding – sun shining, but not too hot – and it was truly a joy to see this couple who have encountered their share of obstacles (some self-imposed, others not) join together as husband and wife, and to know that they will face all their triumphs and tribulations together.

unfortunately, we didn’t get to enjoy the reception because my dearly beloved got sick! so, we went back to the hotel, ordered pizza, watched “13 going on 30” on the pay-per-view, and got some desperately needed sleep. in the morning, we went to services at the local episcopal church. it was much smaller than our own parish and it was a rite 1 service, which we weren’t used to, but they had pretty stained glass and the priest stopped in the middle of the altar procession to bless the baby as he passed us. pretty neat. 🙂

i don’t blog about my faith that often (but i’m about to now, so stop reading if it’s not your cup of tea!), because i believe that in this day and age when evangelical christians and “mega-churches”are getting most of the media attention, the body of Christ still has a need for people who live their faith quietly. but that simple action on the part of the priest reminded me of everything i love about being episcopalian. i love that my church seeks and serves christ in all people. the following is taken from “the ethos of the episcopal church”.

“…as Episcopalians we are known for our tolerance and our willingness to embrace paradox. Episcopalians trust that the truth of God embraces and transcends all of the partial truths that our limited human minds can grasp. We accept that there is divine mystery at the heart of life, but we believe that mystery can best be known through love, particularly the love revealed in Jesus Christ. Ours is not a gospel of fear and guilt, of moralism or threats of hell. We see Jesus as the incarnation of God who loves and delights in humanity. God becomes one with us. We celebrate a God who has created every human being in God’s own image. We seek to call forth the fullness of that divine image in every person through the disciplines of Christian life. God wants us to become the loving, trusting, giving people God has created us to be. Repentance, conversion, and growth are daily events. It is a life-long process to become holy, to become fully human. We believe that the process of growing into our full humanity is best done in community. Together we pray, worship, study the scriptures, and explore the richness of twenty-one centuries of Christian experience.

Theologian Thomas Hooker described Anglican authority as a three-strand cord, not easily broken: Scripture, Tradition, and Reason.

The Episcopal Church honors the Bible as the first witness to God, containing “All things necessary to salvation.” It is the love story of God’s relationship with God’s people. We respect its complexity and its origins in the communities and histories of our ancestors. We look to the Bible as the written source of our revelation of God.

We also honor the experience of God throughout the history of humanity, and especially among faithful Christians for these two-thousand years. We look to the tradition, teaching, and experience of the whole church as a manifestation of God’s revelation. The ancient Creeds are alive and well in the Episcopal Church.

We believe God created human beings with an innate capacity to know God. We honor the God-given faculties of reason, intuition, intellect, and emotion. We believe that human experience is one of the ways God communicates and reveals God’s intentions for us.

Our worship is centered in the celebration of the last gift Christ gave us, the gift of his presence and life through the shared communion of bread and wine. This powerful ritual renews and strengthens us. We believe that in this shared holy meal, we are fed by Christ and united in his life.”

anyways, to wrap up the story of my weekend, after church we had a delicious lunch with the bride and groom in which i worked valiantly at avoiding any political or religious discussion – they are both activists in both areas! – all the while reminding myself that you can love and care for people who have different viewpoints from your own. God’s creation is big enough for all of us! we finally got on the road back to our home state, taking the scenic route down through the mountains. when we stopped for gasoline again, i was scanning the radio stations and managed to find some pretty irish folk songs. when my dearly beloved came back to the car from paying, he shook his head in disgust and commented that i was the only person on planet earth who could find irish folk songs on the radio in the mountains. he’s probably right. heheheheheh.

to kill some of the boredom of scanning more radio stations, i picked up reading aloud where we had left off with anne rice’s “the witching hour” over a year ago. finally finished that one and got started on the next book in the series, “lasher”. we arrived home exhausted with only enough energy to climb out of the car and grab what we would need to get ready for work in the morning.

my little girl

drive anywhere

do what you want

i don’t care

tonight

i’m in the hands of fate

i hand myself

over on a plate

now

oh little girl

there are times when i feel

i’d rather not be

the one behind the wheel

come

pull my strings

watch me move

i do anything

please

sweet little girl

i prefer

you behind the wheel

and me the passenger

drive

i’m yours to keep

do what you want

i’m going cheap

tonight

you’re behind the wheel tonight